My Shampoo Tried to Kill Me

I had to get ready quickly because there was a lot on my to-do list for the day.  I rushed to get the kids ready for school, so that I could hop into the shower and prepare myself for the second annual “Boobs & Beers” celebration.  For the guys out there, I’m sorry to say that “Boobs & Beers” has nothing to do with strip clubs or drunken wet t-shirt contests.  It’s a day when I get together with some of my girlfriends and we all go get our annual mammograms, and then spend the rest of the day/night drinking our faces off. As any woman over the age of 35 will tell you, getting a mammogram is kind of unpleasant.  Breasts are meant to be adored and caressed – not squished between two cold metal plates.  But I have found that going with my girlfriends helps to make the process a lot more fun, as does the promise of a few drinks afterwards.

I got in the shower, and was simultaneously wetting my hair down and daydreaming about cold pints of beer, when my shampoo bottle seized its opportunity to stage a coup.  I guess it figured that it had taken just about enough of my manhandling, and finally decided to revolt against me.  When I snapped the lid on the bottle closed, a HUGE glob of shampoo flew into my eye. Right. Into. My. Eye.  There are military snipers with worse aim.  Given the strategic and precisely executed shot, I can only assume that my shampoo had been secretly practicing this attack for months.  Clearly, it had not only been hoping to blind me, but also to stymie my efforts of early breast cancer detection.

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My eye was wide open and unguarded at the time of the attack, because who the hells thinks to wear protective eye gear in the shower? Although now that I know my shampoo is really the spawn of Satan, I will.  I stood in the shower, paralyzed with pain and indecision.  I had an hour before I had to leave the house, I was half-blind, and my right eye felt like it had caught fire. On the pain scale, I’d say it was somewhere between getting Tabasco sauce in a paper cut, and stepping on a Lego – made me wonder if glass shards were an active ingredient in Redken’s shampoo formula.  For those who have never experienced this particular agony, here’s a nine second video demonstration of what it felt like….

I tried to stick my face directly into the shower stream, but that only seemed to aggravate the situation.  In a last ditch effort to save my eyesight, I quickly grabbed a bottle of saline solution from off the bathroom sink, pried my eye open (despite its stubborn protests to remain clamped shut) and tried to flush it out.  After emptying half the bottle’s contents into my eye socket, the pain level was brought from a 10 to an 8 – which would have to do because other than scooping out my eye with a melon-baller, I was out of ideas.

I finished up my shower, skipped shaving because with my lack of depth perception, I didn’t want to miss my leg and accidentally shave off a toe.   When it came time to leave the house, I could open up my eye most of the way, and decided I could see well enough to drive to my mammogram appointment.  Before you scold me for putting other driver’s lives at risk, you should know that even with my (slightly) impaired vision, I still drove better than most of the other New Yorkers on the road.  Which, I guess, isn’t saying much.

But despite my early morning ocular ambush, everything worked out okay in the end.   I made it to my appointment on time, enjoyed my day of girlie “Boobs & Beers” bonding, and as an added bonus, I don’t think my eye has ever had this much body, hold and shine……

Eat your heart out, Breck girls!!

Eat your heart out, Breck girls!!

Daily Prompt

30 thoughts on “My Shampoo Tried to Kill Me

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  7. I would take this very seriously. I just watched Grimm with my teenage daughters (think soap opera with monsters) and a creature spit in people’s faces to turn them into Zombies. So, check carefully for any decaying flesh and if a limb falls off, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    • Bels –

      I love Grimm!! How freaky was that guy in the top hat? Just a notch or two higher on the creepy scale than seeing Nick turned into a psycho zombie who tried to kill half the town.

      As for me, so far so good – no bloodlust or craving for brains. I can even wear contacts again! The only long-lasting side effect I’ve developed is a healthy fear/mistrust of my shampoo. I think it’s plotting something with the conditioner…..

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  9. “On the pain scale, I’d say it was somewhere between getting Tabasco sauce in a paper cut, and stepping on a Lego – made me wonder if glass shards were an active ingredient in Redken’s shampoo formula.”

    ^THIS. My sentiments exactly. Fabulous post…on a topic that I know all too well, it seems :)

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  12. That has happened to me before! The clip from Jurassic Park was perfect – I am just glad you didn’t fall in the shower and knock yourself out like he did. ;)
    On another note – what a cool thing to do with your friends. I went alone to get my first mammogram and felt, well, alone. I think I may have to start a friend tradition!

    • Yes, I highly recommend the “boob & beers” tradition. It’s nice to have someone to laugh with while you’re sitting in the waiting room, braless and loosely wrapped in a recyclable robe. Turns something nerve-wracking into something that borders on enjoyable (except for the boob smooshing part).

  13. If you have that trouble with your shampoo, then also stay away from Crest 3-D White. It has a flip top that has TWICE managed to fling toothpaste into my eye. And Crest 3-D White does not do the same thing for eyes that it does for teeth. My eye was definitely not white and I was seeing in 1D, tops.

    • Shelley –

      Thanks for the warning.

      So, my eye now has body, hold and shine, and yours will probably never have gingivitis or cavities. See? It’s all about looking on the bright side…. get it? BRIGHT side? WHITENING toothpaste? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

      Man, am I glad I’m not within smacking distance…..

      Linda

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