Sexting With Grandma

Every once in a while, a blog idea comes to me while I’m commenting on another person’s blog.  The inspiration behind Sexting With Grandma is compliments of the incomparable Madame Weebles who wrote a blog post about some of the twisted thoughts that run through her head sometimes.  After reading her post, I told her that I sometimes think about sending my friends and family members wildly inappropriate text messages just to see how they would react; something along the lines of….

“You were incredible last night, Rafael! I never knew it could be like that!  I love how adventurous you are… and that goes double for your dog, Sir Humps-a-lot.  What do you say I ditch my husband again tonight and find out if we can come up with any more uses for that vibrating chicken of yours?”

I loved the idea too much to let it end with Madame Weebles comment section, so I decided to actually send this exact message out to several people I know.  I was both eager and anxious to find out what their reactions were going to be. I was pretty sure they would all take it in good fun, but since I had never really tested the kinky boundaries of my friends and family members before (because… EWWW), I wasn’t positive that they wouldn’t disown me afterwards.  But if Rafael can be adventurous, then so can I!!

Initially, I really wanted to send the text out to my mom.  But my mom’s innocence was protected by the fact that her cellphone doesn’t receive text messages… I know, right?!  But she’s firmly planted on the “people should pick up the phone and TALK” side of the communication debate, so there’s no convincing her of all the merits of texting – like being able to send texts involving vibrating chickens, for instance.

The next victim on my texting hit list was my sister.  So, I sent it out and waited…. as it turned out, I didn’t have to wait long for her reaction.  A couple of minutes after sending her the text, my home phone rang.  I tried to answer with an innocent sounding “Hello?”, but couldn’t quite pull it off because I was giggling too much.  She said something along the lines of, “I just got a pretty interesting text from you….”  I couldn’t keep a straight face, so my ruse was quickly ruined.  Didn’t she know that when she gets a sext from her sister, she’s supposed to sext back?  Seemed like common sense to me.

I toyed around with sending the text to my older brother, but for some reason the idea grossed me out more than sending it to my mom.  So, it was on to victimizing my friends.  I sent the text to six of them, and then pretended that it had been a mistake that they got the message from me.   I will share with you my top three favorite responses.   [*Side note: All of my responses are in blue, and my friends are all in grey].

The Twisted Countdown Begins……

Number Three came from my friend, Jenn…. who apparently takes me WAY too seriously, and also thinks that me having an affair with a guy, his dog, and his chicken is a totally plausible idea:

text.with.jenn

Then I waited about twenty minutes for another reaction out of her, but when nothing came, I started to get nervous that she was taking me seriously.  So, I texted her back, and filled her in on the gag:

text.with.jenn.2

text.with.jenn.3

text.with.jenn.4

Number Two came from my friend, Buck.  I’ve known him since college but apparently, he doesn’t think enough of our friendship to put me into his contact list, so when he got this text message, my name didn’t come up with it.  He thought he was getting this crazy text from a complete stranger:

text.with.buck.

Again, nothing but radio silence for a solid twenty minutes, which got my paranoia working overtime again.  At that point, I didn’t know that he wasn’t aware the text was from me.  So, I texted him back to make sure he knew it was just a joke:

text.with.buck.2

text.with.buck.3

Then much to my surprise, Buck’s wife, Colleen decided she wanted to jump in on the act.  I thought her attempt to shield her husband from a sex-crazed poultry slut and her lover was kind of sweet.  Who says chivalry is dead?:

text.with.colleen.

Number One came to me from one of my oldest friends, Moe.  I’ve known her since high school, and her response is the perfect example of why we have stayed friends for the last twenty-five years.  I love you, my twisted sister:

text.with.moe

text.with.moe_2

text.with.moe.3

Have any of you ever pulled a texting prank on someone you know?  If so, I’d love to hear about it.  And if not, what are you waiting for?  It’s a fun way to pass the time while you’re waiting in line at the grocery store or during those annoying commercial breaks on TV.  If you have the guts to send out this text or something like it, and tell me the reaction you get, I’ll pledge my undying love and loyalty to you.  I might even throw in a vibrating chicken.

[*Disclaimer:  Get Write Down To It takes no responsibility or liability for any divorce, disownment or involuntary psychiatric commitments that may result while performing this texting prank with your friends and family members…. mostly because I’m too broke to afford a lawyer.  So, proceed at your own risk.]

50 thoughts on “Sexting With Grandma

  1. “Moe” sounds like an alias. Will his or her name be publicly revealed? Will I get to meet him or her? He or she sounds like a real piece of work. Maybe we can set up a psychiatric foundation to get “Moe” (not to mention you) some much needed help.

  2. Linda, OMG! Laughing so hard that I think something ruptured. I cannot stop laughing. Buwwwahahahaha! You have totally made my effing week and have no idea how badly I needed this gut-laugher, sis. I LOVE YOUUU!!! Oh, and your blog is pretty freeking awesome, too.

    • Lizzy –

      Your comment made my day :) Picturing you over there, a big ball of helpless giggles made me smile. I’m going to go take the rest of the day off now because my job here is done.

      XO
      Linda

      • Yay! Take the day off, girl. You have EARNED it as far as I’m concerned! :) S T I L L laughing about this, mama. I cannot believe how funny you are. I am literally cracking up every few minutes and just absolutely dissolving into a puddle of elation and mirth. I’m going to share this with all of my Facebook friends. I love yer funny ass!

        • Well, once you mop yourself up off the floor and share my blog post with your FB friends, please let me know if you get any comments about it – I would love to know what they thought.

          Now me and my funny ass are going to go take a nap :)

      • I did it! I have no idea how to show our actual texts from our phone, so here’s the conversation:

        Me: Hey, you big sexy hunk. Last night was great! I didn’t know you could do that with a chicken
        Anya: What???? LOL
        Me: Oops sorry wrong person

        And I waited…and waited….

        I finally had to tell her because it didn’t look like she was going to say anything else. LOL

        • LOL, you are my HERO!! The waiting game is the hardest part, isn’t it? You start to think, “Oh shit…. they didn’t think I was serious, did they??” In the case of some of my friends, the answer was yes. Which makes me believe that they think I’m a total FREAK.

  3. Oh I so want to do this! But who? Who should I send it to…my sister, my best friend, or the random guy whose last name I don’t know?

    • Mel –

      You should send it to someone who you have some dirt on – just in case they choose to use the text against you, you have something to blackmail them with in exchange for their silence….. I’d start with the person you have drunk pictures of.

      Linda

          • The results are in…this was too much fun. I sent the same text as you, but replaced husband with work because I don’t have a husband, or even a boyfriend for that matter, but everyone who knows me knows I work like 18 hours a day.

            Sister: Are you on drugs?
            Me: No. I totally didn’t mean to send that to you.
            Sister: I think you should do drugs. It’s safer than whatever you’re doing with Rafael and his chicken.
            Me: hahaha! It was a joke. I wanted to see your reaction.
            Sis: Now I know you’re on drugs.
            Me: Have any?
            Sis: No. Go away.
            Sis: I love you, but you’re nuts.

            Girl Bestie: I guess you never replaced your vibrator?
            Me: Oh shit! I sent this to the wrong person.
            GB: Put down the chicken and step away from Rafael.
            Me: lol! There’s no Rafael.
            GB: I’m in town for the holidays. I’m staging in intervention.

            Boy Bestie: Interesting text
            Me: Crap! No wonder he didn’t respond. Sorry dude.
            BB: Hell yeah! I like your issues…and you’re busted!
            Me: lol! Not really. It was a prank.
            BB: Ass
            Me: :) I sent an “accidental” sext to several people as a joke. I was bored. It was fun.
            BB: You’re a freak.
            Me: Well, that’s a given.
            BB: if you ever do find a vibrating chicken, let me know where I can get one.
            Me: Now who’s the freak? lol!

            • Mel –

              OMG, this made my day!! My butt was dragging in the dirt this morning – coming down from my writer’s high from yesterday, I guess. But you’re comment perked me right back up. I LOVED the responses you got.

              The response from your sister, “I think you should do drugs. It’s safer than whatever you’re doing with Rafael and his chicken” was hysterical. But I think the conversation (start to finish) with your girl bestie was my favorite. The line, “I guess you never replaced your vibrator?” cracked me up. So did the comment from your boy bestie, “if you ever do find a vibrating chicken, let me know where I can get one.”

              I think this text should be the litmus test for friendship – if you get a “what the fuck is WRONG with you?!” response, drop ‘em like a bad prom date. But any funny responses will let you know that this is probably a person that will keep you laughing for years to come.

              Thanks for playing along! This was so much fun!!

              Linda

              • I’m still laughing at this. Had I had to speak to any of them, my giggles would have given me away. Girl Bestie is my bestie for so many reasons, and her reaction to this is classic. Plus, now I’ll see her for the holidays, so win-win (she went to Ireland for graduate school, fell in love, got married, and stayed).
                I think you’re right, this should be the litmus test for friendship. I did send this only to “safe” friends who would expect nothing less from me than sheer insanity.

  4. You’re my heroine for actually doing this. *fist bump*

    “Sexting With Grandma” is quite possibly the best title of a blog post EVER. Also, Moe is fucking hilarious and awesome. Buck gets demerits for ruining it but his wife is pretty funny. I’m glad Jenn finally figured out that it was a joke!

    And seriously, grabbing hold of a KY-slicked chicken really is not so easy.

    • Weebs –

      My muse!!! I got my balls o’ steel by watching you, babe. This texting prank was nothing compared to your everyday fearless writing style. I would bow down to your greatness, but there’s been so much talk about anal sex around here, I’m honestly a bit afraid to bend over.

      I did kinda fall in love with the title when I thought of it. I usually toil over what to call my blog posts, but this one just popped right out…. not unlike my lubed up chicken.

      My friends are the reason I’m still sane (relatively speaking). I’ve finally gotten to the place in my life where I’m head-over-heels in love with everyone I hang out with. I’ve spent the last 40-years weeding out the obligatory friendships I had held onto for bullshit PC reasons, and am now left with nothing but awesomeness.

      Thanks again for inspiring this post!!

      XO
      Linda

  5. Well, I admit to being a little hurt. You didn’t send it to me. Just to be clear, in Canada (Montreal to be exact) we don’t do anything like that with chickens…we use moose. Also, Rafael…well, that would be Jacques. And a dog? You call that adventurous? Wail til you do the whole thing with an angry polar bear. We don’t do “adventure”, we do death defying. American wimp. BTW if you are wondering what we do with the moose, think antlers…

    • Bels –

      If I had your phone number I DEFINITELY would’ve sent you this text message. I dare you to send out the Canadian equivalent to some of your buddies… no wait, I triple dog dare you!! Now according to “A Christmas Story” rules, you have to do it. See….

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLZj3zOUZNs

      Linda

      P.S. – that thing with the moose antlers just sounds…. painful. I’ll take the wimpy lubed up chicken any day.

      • Sigh. Linda, Linda. Let me educate you. First, antlers at the perfect time of year are nicely rounded AND have this lovely fuzzy, soft covering. Mmmm. Second, Canadians are tough AND advanced. I have told you this. I tried out your text on my friend. Her response:
        I’ve done the same thing:))) hilarious!!! You go girl, you Rock!!!
        So, not only did this not get her too worried, she was already one step ahead and was glad I had joined HER club. When I told her it was a joke, she sent me this:
        Gotcha ;). She sent me a fucking winky face! OMG I think she’s really done this!

        • Bels –

          Never thought I’d ever say this to anyone, but thanks for the mental image of the girl-on-deer action. Now I need to find whatever the metal equivalent of Clorox bleach is, and some Q-tips made of steel wool…..

          Linda

          P.S. – Can I have a hit off your inhaler please?

        • P.P.S. – One of these days, I’m gonna head on up to Canada and you, me, and that no-holds-barred buddy of yours are gonna party. I think there will have to be Jagermeister involved because all crazy stories begin with, “The last thing I remember was that shot of Jager….”

          I’ll bring the booze, you bring the bucks…. I meant money, of course ;)

  6. I feel like I should explain myself but I really really can’t.

    and your Canadian friend doesn’t know what he’s talking aboot, never go near a polar bear, they will rip your head right off your shoulders and make the bloody stump left over watch as he eats it with some fava beans. You can’t have sex with a polar bear… unless it’s sleeping… but Nonni tells it better…

    • Moe –

      No explanations necessary – if they’re even possible, which I kind of doubt. Let’s just say that Nonni was born out of a beautiful moment of friendship and creativity between the two of us…. because that sounds a lot better than calling us both pervs.

      XOXO
      Linda

      P.S. – Mmmmmm, fava beans.

  7. Hahahaha I love it. I read the original post over at Madamme Weebles– and this was excellent. I like how the first two had no idea how to handle it and then your high school friend was just like “yeah, bitch bring it on!”
    I haven’t tried texting people in this way but I did try to troll my facebook people (no clue why… I hadn’t been on in ages, it seemed like a good idea. Alcohol may have been involved) by commenting “YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!” on every single status I saw on my newsfeed (until I got bored, which was like 2 minutes, but I covered a lot of territory). I was expecting people to get the Elf reference or have something to say in response but um, no. They were all just confused or offended. Who doesn’t want to see that comment beneath a photo of the house you just bought or your kid dressed like an elf? All of my fb friends, apparently.

    • Aussa –

      LOL, some people just have NO sense of humor. Your FB status reply is way more entertaining than the regurgitated cliches and platitudes I normally get. Bravo for livening things up a bit!

      Linda

  8. I don’t have anyone in my life that would appreciate a text like that. I do have some friends on Facebook who are willing to post wildly inappropriate things in response to my posts though. In my family I am known as the girl with no filter. This is sometimes hilarious and sometimes wildly offensive.

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