Crazy Cat Lady Has Puppy Love

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had pets in my house.  I have no idea what it’s like to get up from my couch without a few stray pet hairs clinging to the back of my shirt; or come home and not have something furry to trip over.

I consider myself a ‘dog person’ but since moving out of my mom’s house nearly twenty years ago, I have only owned cats.  I currently own two, which hardly puts me in the realm of crazy…. slightly unbalanced, perhaps.  But just to make sure the scales of sanity don’t tip the other way, there is a one cat rule I live by – there should never be more cats than humans living inside a house.  And by that rule, I’m still two under my limit.

I think the reason behind my decision to own cats instead of dogs is one of sheer laziness.  Cats are low maintenance and nearly self-sufficient.  When you bring a kitten into your home, you only need to show them once where the litter box is for them to understand its use.  No training tricks, books, or wee-wee pads required.  You’ve accomplished in five seconds what it takes most dog owners months to do – your cat is house broken.

If I want to go on vacation for a week it’s fine by them, as long as I find a suitable replacement to keep their food bowl full and their litter box empty.  And since they sleep eighteen hours a day, chances are pretty good that not only won’t they miss me while I’m gone, they won’t even notice my absence.

Cats appreciate the occasional snuggle or scratch on the head, but I get the feeling that it isn’t required.  I’ve seen my cat rub its head on the corner of the bookcase and purr just as loudly as if a person had been doing the scratching.  And any physical affection they do permit will be on their terms, and they’ll let you know when your services are no longer required.  Forcing a cat to snuggle usually results in bloodshed – I’ve had to learn that lesson the hard way.  While I certainly don’t appreciate my hand being shredded into ribbons, part of me has to respect a cat’s ability to make a person understand that “No means no!” without ever saying a word.

Even though I find their self-sufficiency both admirable and convenient, I have dreams of one day owning a pet who actually cares whether I live or die.  I already have enough self-esteem issues without a ten-pound hairball reminding me everyday just how expendable I am.

Which may be part of the reason I’ve always gravitated towards dogs – they make you feel adored rather than ignored.  There is no other creature alive that reacts to your presence with more unabashed enthusiasm than a dog.  How many people do you know practically pee themselves with excitement when you walk into the room?  Thankfully not too many, but what an ego boost that would be – causing people to become frantically incontinent at the mere sight of you…. probably what the cast of Twilight goes through everyday.

A dog senses your mood, and if you’re distressed or depressed they will do everything in their canine powers (which usually involves excessive licking and tail wagging) to try and make you feel better.  A cat senses your mood too; they just don’t care.  They might come over to investigate why you’re bawling your eyes out, but a cat is much more likely to play with your snotty tissues than to try and cheer you up.

But I don’t want just any dog.  The ones that make me squeal with delight are the big dogs, often mistaken for furry horses that like to play fetch (German Shepherds, Newfies, Leonbergers, Mastiffs, etc).  I want a dog that even on my most bloated day makes me feel small by comparison.  Like this guy….

I might have to take a second mortgage out on my house to afford to feed him.... or I could just let him eat my cats.

In my opinion, the pocket-sized pooches Hollywood starlets enjoy toting around aren’t real dogs – they’re fashion accessories that poop.  Nothing is more pathetic than watching a five-pound dog try to do normal dog things, like play fetch.  When the dog is smaller than the Frisbee, either give up the dog dream and get yourself a cat, or give up the fetch dream and put your doglet back in your purse where it belongs.

One of the few times something can say, "I crap bigger than you" and it's not an exaggeration.

I want my dog to have the ability to protect me if someone breaks into my home, but what chance would a Chihuahua have against a burglar?  I’m sure the only thing a burglar thinks when he hears high-pitched yapping coming from a house is, “oh good, they don’t have a real dog.”  But there isn’t a burglar alive who would break into a home with a dog the size of a Buick guarding it…. or if they did, I’ll guaranteed you they wouldn’t stay in the home for long.

I think this is much more effective than those ADT signs.

I also want a dog big enough to really cuddle with, like one of those giant teddy bears you win at a carnival.  I’ve spent the last two decades trying to cuddle with cats, and it’s just not the same.  I had one cat who loved to curl up next to me whenever I laid down anywhere in the house, which was very sweet, but also kind of lacking.

Now here’s some serious cuddling material – this lady’s Irish Wolfhounds act more like Afghans…. get it?  Afghan hounds?  Afghan blankets?  C’mon, that was funny!  Thinking up dog puns is harder than it looks, ya know….

Imagine the money she saves on heating costs!!

Hell, even the cat can’t resist cuddling with a big, fluffy doggie….  

Going against every natural instinct you have has never felt so right.

But until the day comes when I have the money to feed and care for my gentle giant, and the energy to devote to its training and daily exercise, I guess I’ll just stick with cats.  Maybe if I can find a cat with dog-like proportions it will help to ease my puppy jones….

I just hope it doesn't claw my face off when I try to make him spoon.

 

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16 thoughts on “Crazy Cat Lady Has Puppy Love

    • Kat – I didn’t say I was one of the people who become frantically incontinent over the cast of twilight, I just said that they’re out there. Many of them are the same ones who leak from every orifice at the sight of Justin Bieber…. gotta love the hormonal masses 🙂

    • Along with the gimpy colon, you should write another blog – the crazy canine. I think there might be a void to fill out there in the blogosphere… not too many blogs about the slaughtering of baby bunnies.

  1. This is funny, and true. We are the crazy cat people whose pets outnumber us 2 to 1. Keep up the great work. See you in July!

  2. I both loved this post and was horribly offended. You’re only a crazy cat person if you’re out numbered 3 to 1! Thus my partner and I are totally normal with our 2-1 cat ratio. These are the things I tell myself to sleep at night. …while keeping an eye out for rogue cats who try to overpower us in the night.

    • As long as the loving and the offending are done in equal measure, I’ll consider the entry a rousing success 🙂

      Truth be told, I’d probably have more cats around the house if I wasn’t the only one under my roof who ever thinks to clean out the litter boxes. Because as it stands now, I’ve got all the shit I can handle.

    • Goodoldgirl – Thanks for responding!

      I once had a cat who acted like a dog – he actually played fetch and enjoyed tummy rubs. The closest I’ve gotten to owning a dog in nearly 20 years 🙂 I don’t mind needy cats. I think those are better than the ones who look at you like you’re something they just left behind in the litter box.

  3. Thanks for the hilarious post. I had to stop reading it at work though because my coworkers aren’t used to me breaking out laughing – maybe I should do this more often. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading. Thanks again.

    • William – Found another one of my posts, I see 🙂 This post actually got the worst response (in terms of numbers of views/comments) out of all of my entries. I’m glad you liked it!

      Makes me happy that I managed to inject a little laughter into your work day 🙂

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