10 Reasons to Hate the Season

Now that Memorial Day is starting to fade in our rearview mirror, the first stirrings of summer excitement begins…. unless you’re like me.  Summer always brings out the worst in me – my bitchiness, insecurities, and total intolerance for anything not made of ice cream.  While everyone else revels in the sun, I retreat to a dark corner like a mole and complain about the heat and humidity.

I’m not saying that summer doesn’t have some redeeming qualities; there just aren’t enough of them to keep me happy from June through August.  But there are plenty of things to make me UNhappy for those three months….

Tis the season of sweating for no reason:  When the temperature starts to climb above 85 degrees, my internal cooling system kicks into high gear and I begin to sweat profusely.  I don’t need to be running a marathon or shaking my ass like Ricky Martin for my sweat glands to shift into hyper-drive – blinking seems to be enough.  And I’m not talking about girlie perspiration (or “glowing”); I mean the kind of sweating usually reserved for farm animals.  If I dare venture outside my air conditioned home for more than 15 minutes, the climate inside my clothes begins to feel like a terrarium, and small rivers of warm perspiration trickle down my torso and pool in my underwear.   Sexy, right?

Turn off the air conditioning? Surely you can’t be serious?
I am, and don’t call me Shirley.

It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity:  The saying “out of the frying pan and into the fire” is used when a problem goes from bad to worse.  Well, when you add humidity to scorching heat, it’s more like out of the frying pan and into a giant sweaty armpit.  In that oppressively moist environment, my good hair days vanish right along with my will to live.

Cruel-tea:  The first thing I do in the morning (after cursing at my alarm clock) is fill the kettle with water so I can start making my tea.  Any human interaction before I’ve had that first sip is a recipe for disaster.  It seems that the amount of tea I drink is directly proportionate to how well I play with others – it’s like liquid Prozac.  But in summertime, when the heat and humidity are cranked up to ten, a hot beverage is the last thing I want anywhere near me…. which doesn’t bode well for the people I live with.

.

Will someone please get me a margarita and a blindfold?:  Sounds like ingredients for a hot date on a Friday night, but those things are also necessary if I want to go bathing suit shopping without crying.   Everyone has body parts they don’t like…. as I get older, that list seems to get longer and longer.   I normally don’t have to deal with more than one of those problem areas at a time.  When I go shopping for jeans, I can concentrate all my self-loathing on my thighs; shirt shopping, it’s usually my upper arms and boobs.  But bathing suits shine a big, fat spotlight on all of it at once.  So, why the hell would I want to spend three months in a garment that makes me want to put my head in the oven?

When I complain about having to wear a bathing suit, my sister argues, “Have you seen some of the women who go to the beach?  There are ones twice your size wearing bikinis.”  No I haven’t seen them because I’m too busy giving the death stare to this girl sitting two towels over…

Lawnmowers, they’re not just for grass anymore:  From September through May the time I spend on hair removal is minimal – I shave just enough so I’m not mistaken for Bigfoot.  But when bathing suit season arrives there is nowhere for my unwanted body hair to hide, so I’m forced to spend an extra half hour in the shower making sure I’m well landscaped.  At this point, I think the only body parts I don’t either wax or shave are my eyelids and tongue.  If I ever get rich, the first thing I’m going to spend my money on is laser hair removal – a college fund for the kids can wait.

This is what I look like before I shave….
Is it any wonder I take so long in the shower?

Put your best foot forward:  Once the weather starts to heat up, I retire my Ugg boots and pretty much live in my flip-flops.  I love the convenience of being able to slip them on and go, but like everything else about summer, there is a downside.  My once hidden appendages are now on display for all to see.   I’m not self-conscious about my feet – they’re actually on a very short list of body parts I happen to like.  But I wasn’t born with naturally pretty feet; they require a lot of maintenance to keep them looking nice.  It’s a necessary evil though because if I left them to their own devices, they would look like something out of the stone age – fine if Fred Flintstone needs help peddling his car to work, but otherwise kind of nasty.

If you think I’m kidding, check out these BEFORE and AFTER pictures….

               

Sand crotch:  This is one of the most unpleasant experiences you can have at the beach – second only to seeing a fat guy wearing a speedo.  Delicate girlie parts should NEVER come in contact with something as abrasive as sand.  Why the hell hasn’t anyone invented a bathing suit that doesn’t collect ten pounds of sand in the crotch?  Here’s a tip for all you clothing manufacturers out there – forget the Snuggies, make a bathing suit that doesn’t sag down to my knees when I get out of the ocean.   Millon dollar idea right there, people!

I know exactly how you feel, kid.

The brownest thumb on the block:  I am the Jack Kevorkian of the plant world…. actually, I’m more of the Ted Bundy because none of my plants begged me to kill them.  In winter, my brown thumb is camouflaged because everybody’s garden looks like something out of a horror movie.  But in summer, when my neighbor’s yard looks like the Garden of Eden, mine still looks like a Tim Burton creation.  I used to buy new flowers for my garden every year; each time thinking that THIS was the year I would manage to keep them alive.  After a decade of unintentional herbicide, I finally gave up hope and bought non-flowering plants that even the apocalypse couldn’t kill.

Thank you Hostas plant for giving
my brown thumb the illusion of being green.

Buzzzzz off!:   Insects are everywhere in the summer.  I can’t even escape them inside my house because the sneaky little buggers always manage to find a way in.  My son, Aidan, is a bug magnet.  The first time  he comes in covered in bug bites, I know mosquito season is upon us.  It’s not enough that the blood-sucking parasites eat him alive, they also leave behind an itch that makes him want to claw his skin off.  Luckily, bugs don’t seem to find me too tasty, but they still annoy the hell out of me.  They buzz in my ear, feast on my children, and cause my son to shriek every time they fly anywhere near him.

Remember how I asked people to invent a bathing suit that didn’t collect sand in the crotch?  I’d forgo that if someone could come up with a way to eradicate mosquitoes from the planet.   According to this really smart science lady we wouldn’t miss them.  I’m inclined to agree.

No more classes, no more books, time for Mommy’s dirty looks:  I can remember being giddy with excitement about the last day of school when I was a kid.  As the school bus pulled away from the building, unwanted notebooks, papers, and textbooks were shredded and thrown from the windows like confetti in a ticker tape parade.  The summer and all its possibilities stretched out in front of us, and once the bus turned the first street corner, school was already a distant memory.

As a parent of two school-aged children, I’m finding it hard to muster the same enthusiasm for the last day of school that I once had.  Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy summer vacation… for the first three weeks.  Once mid-late July comes around, the excitement over alarm clock-free mornings and freedom from schedules wears off…. then I realize there’s still another month to go.  It’s no offense to my children – I don’t like anybody enough to want to spend 24/7 with them.  I need my daily dose of solitude, and if it’s not given to me freely, I have to get creative….

How do you guys feel about summer?  Do you give it a happy thumbs up or a sweaty thumbs down?

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30 thoughts on “10 Reasons to Hate the Season

    • Oh god – catalog shopping for bathing suits… slightly less awful than doing it in the department stores, but the expectation of failure is the same. Lands End and LL Bean seem to have the best choices for those of us who want to cover up, but still get wet 🙂 I wish someone would come up with an aquatic pair of jeans….

  1. I live in the high desert, so can experience up to 30 degree temp swings; experiencing Winter here right now and was in the 90s a few days ago. I do not care for 2 weeks of a 100 degree temps, but some how survive it in the end. For the most part I LOVE Summer – gardening, getting outdoors, camping, etc. Have a Great Day!

    • Renee – I’ve never been to the desert, but I’ve heard how cold the nights can get. I think I could live with brutally hot days if I knew that when the sun went down, I could get a taste of chilly autumn nights again. I love sleeping with the windows open, and that just can’t happen in New York during the summer months.

      We enjoy camping too – when we’re not being smothered by the humidity or eaten alive by bugs 🙂 We tend to retreat to the mountains when summer hits – the weather up there is as close to autumn/spring as we can get.

  2. Oh Linda, I hear you, I truly do. Never do I curse my south american heritage and its consequential abundance of dark hair … lovely on my head; cursed anywhere else … more than in summer. How I love my job (with disabled kids, remember) when I have to plunge headlong into the sandpit at 10h in the morning to pluck out a screaming kid who just doesn’t get why he isn’t allowed to strangle other kids … and can enjoy that sweaty, dirty, crunchy feeling of sand-encrusted toes for the rest of the day. I go into depressive episodes every time I see a lovely summer dress; step into it in the changing room … and come to a dead end somewhere around mid-thigh. I get bad-tempered and cranky when it’s too hot. I can’t stand being in the full sun for more than 5 minutes because it usually gives me a headache. It’s not that I hate summer. It’s just sort of … hard to deal with sometimes!!
    Oh and by the way, referring to your tea-problem: I too am a tea-drinker. I ALWAYS switch to lightly flavoured green tea in summer (wild cherry or orange or even lemon, very refreshing) or, even better, try a GOOD quality jasmine tea. You get your tea-high, and the heat really doesn’t matter. Why else would Arabs and turks always drink hot tea? It’s proven that hot beverages are much better for your body than cold ones, especially in summer!
    Love, Miriam

    • Miriam –

      Unwanted body hair, sand haters, tea lovers, and getting bitchy in the blazing heat – I knew we were kindred spirits!! 🙂 I will give your herbal teas a try this summer. I’m usually a no-frills black tea drinker, but that holds little appeal for me in the heat.

      On a side note, I give you MAJOR props for the work you do – I think special education teachers/workers should be sainted. You have more patience than I could EVER hope to attain (without the use of heavy medication). Those kids are lucky to have you.

      • Hi Linda, hail kindred spirit,
        the BEST thing about my tea tips is: they are NOT herbal teas!!!! I hate herbal teas. They make me gag. I feel instantly sick just smelling one (probably because my mother made me drink – and gargle with – sage tea every time I had a sore throat). I definitely need the real-tea-thing. So these are green teas. Green tea gives you even more of a push than black tea does. Only 2 things are really important: your water is NOT allowed to be boiling when you pour it over your tea leaves, cause that turns green tea bitter. Let it cool for one full minute at least! And do not let green tea steep for more than two minutes. One and a half is usually enough. And don’t drink green tea after 4 or 5 o’clock in the afternoon. You might have trouble sleeping otherwise.
        Thanks for your comments on my work! Funny thing is, I am not really a patient person. The work just sort of grew on me. I never really knew what I wanted to do, as a young woman, so I started out with social work- and before I knew it, I was firmly established. And let me tell you: after 9 years of working with alcoholics, it is pure joy to work with these fantastic kids. You get a laugh out of every day!
        Love Miriam

    • Thanks so much – I’m glad I made your day because your comment made MY day! Maybe there’s some sort of Freshly Pressed board of directors you could write to and put a good word in for me 😉 Probably not…

    • Thanks – glad you enjoyed it!

      Ah, margaritas and pedicures… the only two things to love about summer 🙂 Pedicures are one of my guilty pleasures. It’s not that I couldn’t paint my own toenails, but having someone else do it is a little slice of girlie heaven. I only indulge in one a month, though I’d do more if I could afford it. I take care of all the maintenance in between pedicure appointments – sandblasting, daily lotioning, etc. It’s hard work keeping flip-flop ready! 🙂

  3. Hysterical! I feel the same way about most things but I like summer because I only have to worry about 2 kids and not 29 other people’s kids! Hey, why don’t you come down to SC this summer? LOL!

    • Thanks, Noreen! And thanks again for sharing my post on facebook 🙂

      I can understand that as a teacher you would REALLY look forward to summer vacation. But as a stay-at-home mom, it’s different. I’m losing six hours of solitude spent writing, running errands, and getting things done that are difficult when you have two kids in tow…. like taking a nap 😉

      As for SC this summer (and your humidity that makes me pray for death), I guess we’ll play it by ear. After our O.F.F. trip, we are driving to IL for another family reunion – this time it’s my side of the family. Not sure if we’re going to want to do any more long drives after that.

  4. Love the post, the last reason in particular. Love my kids, but the summer does drag out. Heard a radio commercial while in Houston, TX, over Memorial Day weekend that ran something like, “Summer’s here. That means more time with the kids.” [beat then in deadpan voice]: “That means more time with the kids.” I laughed. My wife laughed. The kids wondered why. 🙂

  5. I feel your pain since I just got back from lunch where I walked about 20 minutes in temperatures of close to 90 degrees. I have to go to lunch earlier and earlier to keep it from hitting 90 during my walk. And I, too, am a bug magnet.

    • Lauralynn – I love it when people stumble across my older entries and comment on them! Just because the entries are old, doesn’t mean they don’t need someone to tell them that they are appreciated.

      You’re going out walking in 90 degree heat? That either makes you really dedicated or really crazy…. probably a bit of a combo 😉 When the heat gets kicked up like that, I take to my treadmill (in fact, I just did a entry entitled “letters to my treadmill” last week) – I hate it, but at least I know the only sweating I’m going to be doing is because of the walking/jogging and not because of the beastly heat and humidity.

      Thanks for making my old blog entry feel like a youngin’ again 🙂

      • Well, the blog entry wasn’t THAT old. LOL. I found you when you commented on Kait’s blog about morning people.

        I walk at lunch because a friend wants to. I also walk on my treadmill at home. 🙂

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