One (slightly used) Uterus For Sale

I’m going to turn 39 years old this month and it dawned on me that I haven’t used my uterus for anything in the last EIGHT years.  That’s a long time to haul around an extraneous internal organ, don’t you think?  It wouldn’t be a big deal if my uterus was one of those organs that keeps to itself and doesn’t cause any trouble, like my spleen. But once a month my uterus forces me to take to the couch – where I spend hours miserably clutching an electric heating pad, popping Advil like M&Ms, and biting the heads off of innocent passersby.

He may be king of the jungle, but he’s about to get his ass kicked.

Why should I have to go through the pain and hassle of having a uterus that I’m never going to use again?  I knew when I gave birth to my son back in 2004 that my uterus would never again be used as a baby hotel – much to my husband’s chagrin.  Kevin really wanted to have more kids, but this motherhood gig is a lot harder than all my previous years of babysitting led me to believe.  I guess I didn’t take into consideration that I don’t get paid an hourly wage to take care of my kids, and I also don’t get to give them back to anyone at the end of the night.  It’s not right, if you ask me.

My gynecologist assures me that I do actually need my uterus/ovaries and shouldn’t have them taken out unless it’s absolutely necessary – something about hormone balance and estrogen production, blah, blah, blah.  Sure it would it be nice if my bones didn’t turn to dust by the time I’m sixty, but wouldn’t a little osteoporosis be worth escaping monthly bouts of painful torture?

Don’t worry, I won’t make any rash decisions.  I’m weighing my options carefully and taking my doctor’s advice into consideration.  But I didn’t think there would be any harm in putting out some feelers just to see if there is a market out there for a pre-owned uterus.  Who knows, maybe if I find a buyer I can raise enough money to put my kids through college – would that be considered blood money?  Okay that was gross… sorry, boys. I know you don’t appreciate period humor.

I think my uterus would be a perfect fit for a woman in her mid-twenties, looking to begin a family.  I don’t want to brag but my uterus has a pretty impressive track record (*Side note:  If you want to play a fun drinking game, do a shot every time I write the word uterus.  You might pass out before you finish the entry though.  Anyway, back to my UTERUS.)  The two times in my life when I wanted to get pregnant, I did.  FAST.  While my husband was thrilled with our success, I think when he heard it was time to try and make a baby he pictured months and months of unfettered sex – both pregnancies happened in less than a few weeks.  Poor guy.  I think he looks back on those weeks with fond remembrance, the way a starving man might recall his last big meal.  But it’s not my fault I’ve got the fertility rate of a rabbit.

Which brings me to the other reason I want to ditch the excess internal baggage.  Along with pain and agony, my uterus also forces me to worry about the threat of unwanted pregnancies.  I feel like an eighteen year old on their way to prom every time I have to buy a box of condoms.  It’s ridiculous.  I tried birth control pills when I was younger, but these days I can hardly remember what I ate for breakfast, much less to take a small pill everyday to prevent myself from laying any eggs…. or whatever the hell they do.  I didn’t pay much attention in health class.

Do you think (given my pregnancy super powers) that when I try and sell my uterus I should put a disclaimer on it?  Something along the lines of, “WARNING: Do NOT allow sperm within a fifty foot radius of this uterus otherwise conception may occur.”  While I never tested the actual pregnancy radius, I think fifty feet should be a safe.  Better to be safe than knocked up, that’s what I always say.  I wouldn’t want it to make someone a mommy before they really wanted to be sleep deprived and up to their elbows in baby poop.

But I’m sure there are plenty of couples out there that would love a big family.  And if I can assist them in their dream of pushing the world population a bit higher, then I wouldn’t feel like my uterus was being wasted.   Hey, maybe I should see if Mrs. Duggar wants to buy it – after nineteen kids, hers must be worn out by now….

Drinking game update:  In case you lost count or consciousness, I used the word uterus 15 times…. well, now I guess it’s 16.  17 if you count the title.  Drink up!

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58 thoughts on “One (slightly used) Uterus For Sale

  1. I think it’s a great idea to sell… I got $300 for my balls on eBay last year. No more baby worries, little easier to jog now and the extra cash put me over the top for that shiny new lawn mower I had my eye on.

    • ROFL! Okay, I wasn’t actually rolling on the floor laughing, but I was worried you would think I was weird if I used the acronym IJPALB (I just peed a little bit).

      Personally, I think you undersold yourself – $300 for a perfectly good pair of balls? Maybe you should have sold them on craigslist instead; I once saw a used piece of chewing gum sold on there for almost $1,000…. but I think Justin Bieber was the one who chewed it, so I guess that makes sense. He has very valuable spit.

      P.S. – If one of my friends/family members wrote this comment please reveal yourself and I promise to love you even more than I already do. If I don’t know you, I want to. One of my favorite comments EVER 🙂

  2. LOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! Oh my goodness! I needed that laugh! HILARIOUS!!!!!!

    • Thanks! Your LOLs made me LOL 🙂 I love it when I get a reaction like this out of one of my readers. I consider it an especially sweet victory when I can do it on a monday morning because nobody ever laughs on a monday morning.

  3. Straight to the point but with so much humor it’s occasionally hard to keep completely serious. Period humor has always intrigued me. I’m one of the few men in the world who used to randomly pop off with the twisted jokes, especially during a nice dinner of spaghetti.

    A little note: A period belongs at the end of a sentence, but it’s the only punctuation mark that you’ll likely ever see running down a woman’s leg.

    • I try my hardest to NEVER keep completely serious 🙂 No matter what the subject matter, there is often an small nugget of humor in there that I can build upon. Even if that humor is wildly inappropriate to most people… in fact, that humor is often the kind I laugh the most at.

      Thanks for coming back again – your comments are always entertaining to read 😀

  4. Thank you for the encouragement. I’m sure I will return time and again as long as you continue to share your thoughts with the world.

    Oh, and happy early birthday. (If you’re like me and don’t celebrate it allow me to make a switch to ‘Bah humbug,’ instead.)

    • Thanks for the early birthday wishes! I definitely plan on celebrating this one because it’s the last of my thirty-somethings – feels like a milestone worthy of a few margaritas and a goofy party hat (which will probably go on post-margaritas) 😀

    • I have thought about other means of birth control – the shot being one of them. I’ve heard a lot of negative feedback about the side effects of that though. And I don’t like the idea of having to go to my doctor once every few months to get jabbed with a needle. Have you tried it?

    • not totally true, some people have light bleeding or spotting on the shot and it could cause weight gain so be caful of that no one want to GAIN weight but if there is some one looking to gain a fe I have some extra pounds you could have. lol

  5. Wouldn’t mind getting mine yanked, either — and I’ve NEVER used the stupid thing. It’s always felt like a catalytic converter on a sportscar. Unnecessary equipment that impacts performance and engenders unwanted, expensive maintenance. 😛 The OB/GYN could drop-kick it off the roof of the hospital for all I care.

  6. First things first – if anybody asks, I did NOT discuss my wife’s lady parts on the internet.

    Okay…with that agreed upon, let me dish:

    My wife is mid 30s, and we have no biological children due to a fertility issue that nobody can figure out (hooray for adoption!!). Your description of being on the couch popping Advil like M&M’s sounds very familiar (plus, she also popped M&M’s like M&M’s too. Chocolate is good for a crabby wife in lady pains). There is a little more descriptive stuff that I’m going to leave out because I don’t want to sleep on the curb if she sees this.

    Long story semi-short, she had a hysterectomy this spring. All good so far and she is very, very happy with the results.

    • Glad you found a few things on here to laugh at – laughter is the best medicine…. but when my uterus is acting like a bitch, pain killers and chocolate make me feel WAY better than laughter 🙂

      Thanks for passing my blog along to your mom!

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  8. lmao at this blog and yes I would never have found it if I didn’t want to do the exact same thing. I understand completely where your coming from and my only question is, have you found out any more information about selling it? lol take care 🙂

    CJ

  9. Linda,
    Happy belated birthday. You’re going to be 40 this year. You’re welcome.
    Le Clown
    PS: You said condom.

    • Le Clown –

      Reminding me that I’m turning 40 this year is no way to win friends. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period of our freshly formed friendship; a time when we ooze compliments and make promises we can’t keep. You save the there’s-broccoli-in-your-teeth crap for later.

      P.S. – So you have no problem with me trying to sell my uterus to total strangers online, but you take issue with my mention of condoms. You’re a difficult clown to figure out…..

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  11. So funny! You are beyond witty, sweetheart. I know that this post is totally tongue-in-cheek, dear, sweet sister. But, I implore you to send your uterus some love and keep her around as long as it’s healthy to do so. She has served you well. She keeps your bladder in its safe little niche. She is a powerful hormone factory. She might pain you every month, but it’s what makes women superior and more spiritually advanced. There’s gold in them thar folds of tissue. Please consider spending a portion of each day telling your uterus how much you appreciate what she has given you and how she adds to your life. I bet she’ll relax a little and you’ll eventually generate something that can only come from within—joy. I love you and your uterus, my adorable, funny friend.

    • Hey Lizzy!

      This entry was done a bit tongue-in-cheek, though I will admit that when I’m writhing in pain, clinging to my heating pad like a drowning man to a life preserver, I wouldn’t mind scooping out my uterus with a melon-baller 🙂

      But on the flip side, I do have a lot of appreciation for all my uterus has done for me. There are so many women that struggle with infertility, and to be able to have a pregnancy whenever I decided I wanted it, is a tremendous gift. I will try to focus in on that gift when Aunt Flo shows up to kick my ass every month. She may be a bitch, but she also reminds me that I’m healthy – and that’s something to be thankful for everyday.

      • Linda-baby!! Thanks for the reply. You seriously make me laugh so hard and when I do, my uterus shakes and wiggles with glee. What a gift you are. You have such a good attitude and sense of humor. Melon-baller! OMG, I am rolling on the floor… I LOVE your wit and spirit, honey.

  12. very funny. I have thought about selling ONE of my uteri as well but my hubby thought it might be illeagal. ( I am looking into it.=) ) and yes I said ONE of .. I have 2 uteri, and yes it a real thing, google it its called “uterus didelphys” I have 2 kids, the first was delivered normaly and my 2 was a c-sec witch is when the doc informed me of this WEIRD but giggle worthy info. no one knew until they cut me open and pulled out 2 of them and I got it on dvd. ha so go figure id be the weirdo of course always have beenbut I love it. anyone want my extra uterus? lol I wonder if that even leagal? if it is I am so doing it.

    • Wow, TWO uteri?? I can’t handle the one I’ve got, I couldn’t imagine it having a twin to contend with. I bet it’s the total opposite of those old Doublemint gum commercials – double your pleasure, double your fun….

      On the off chance you’re too young to remember it, here’s the commercial –

      We’ll have to think of a new slogan for your double uteri. Something like double the cramping, double the cries, double the misery with double uteri 🙂

  13. Omg I’m 27 and I’ve been trying to sell off my uterus since I was 10 years old and my foster mom sat me down and blatantly told me that my vagina was going to start leaking blood. What she didn’t tell me, was that my uterus would start expelling uterine matter on the first day of my fifth grade year. The day I chose to wear my brand spankin new white denim jeans (*Sniff, the ones that made my butt look sooooooo hot). The day they started using beige chairs instead of the traditional red. Did I also mention it was my first day in a private christian school? Aka everyone knew EVERYONE.

    I’ve had one miscarriage, so I’m even sure this stupid thing works properly. I would gladly give it up in exchange for no cramps in my thighs, no cramps in my back, no cramps ANYWEAR. I’d give it up, just so that when my darling SO asks me innocently enough, “Are you pms-ing babe?” I can look back at him and sweetly say no, when my typical reply would be a frying pan to the balls, and a screaming fit that would leave an angry male chimp deaf.
    No more would I have to hide being a bitch, no more would I have to wince at the sound of tearing open a tampon in a crowded public restroom. (Sounds like a damn gun shot).
    No more would my SO tell my friends down at the bar, “Ahh she’d ok, she just bleeding from down….there.” While gesturing to his nether bits.

    I have no idea what good this thing does, but I’m sure its just not worth it considering mine might be a dud, and the fact that its a literal pain the gut.

    • If your SO is even remotely close to your age, he should’ve LONG since learned that you don’t attribute your wife/girlfriend’s bad mood to PMS. Ever. Even if she’s walking around with a tampon in one hand and a bag of M&Ms in the other.

      I’m kind of surprised that he still has balls left to be hit with a frying pan after almost 30 years of being insensitive towards women and their lady parts – one announcement about me bleeding “down there” or asking me if I’m PMSing because I’m in a bad mood, and those suckers would’ve been ripped off like a paper towel if he lived in my house.

      Might be why my husband takes a Monk-like vow of silence when it’s my time of the month….

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