Passed My Kid’s Lips and Straight to My Hips

For once, I’m going to side with all of the uber-conservative Christians of the world and say that Halloween is nothing but pure evil – not because all the gory costumes and creeping about late at night is a sin against God, but because the mounds of candy left lying around my house is a sin against my waistline.  Candy is the devil’s work.  Can I get an AMEN, sister?!

No, not THAT Candy…. oh, never mind.

I’m not one of those girls who is naturally thin – hell, I’m not even UNnaturally thin.  If you are one of those naturally thin people, I’m envious…. and maybe a little resentful.  But if you have ever uttered the phrase, “No matter what I eat, I just can’t seem to gain any weight”, you should stop reading this blog entry.  Seriously, STOP.  Now go find a blog that discusses issues you can relate to – like how miserable it is for you to have to shop in the junior’s department because you’re too skinny to fit into adult-sized clothes.

Are they gone?  Good.  Moving on….

I have to cover miles of rubberized road on my treadmill and eat lettuce like a ravenous rabbit in order to lose weight.  And if I’m not hyper-vigilant about what I’m putting in my mouth, I can pack on five or ten pounds in less time than it takes you to shout, “Twinkies!”  I have learned through years and years of trial and error (mostly error), which dieting tools work for me and which ones don’t – Weight Watchers is one of the things that work.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all Jennifer Hudson on you, and start singing, “It’s a New Day” or preach the “Believe, because it works” slogan – you get enough of that from all the commercial breaks on TV.  What she’s saying is true, but who wants to hear it when it’s midnight, and you have a face full of Little Debbie snack cakes?

I don’t care how much I believe – my ass will NEVER fit into that little black dress.

Being on Weight Watchers is effective but it isn’t always easy, especially when there’s a holiday involved.  Halloween is one of many dietary saboteurs lurking on the calendar – the worst one, in my opinion.  Halloween can become Halloweek or even Hallomonth because the holiday lingers as long as there’s still candy in the house.

Before I had kids, I had a solid Halloween strategy that helped keep the holiday pounds off – I bought candy I hate to eat for the trick-or-treaters that came around, so that the leftovers posed no temptation to me the next day.  Granted, it was stuff the trick-or-treaters probably hated too, but they should be grateful I wasn’t handing out fistfuls of broccoli.  We’ve all been to those houses….

But that dietary trick does me no good now because I have two kids out scouring the neighborhood for goodies, and bringing back all the candy I purposefully didn’t buy.  When they come home after hours of pounding the pavement, the first thing they do is dump their spoils out onto the living room rug and decide what to keep and what to give away.  Inevitably, the throw away pile contains all of my favorites – Almond Joy, Snickers, and Milky Way bars.  What my unenlightened children see as inedible, I see as dozens of little “fun size” reasons I won’t be able to zip up my jeans in a week.

The Weight Watchers program assigns every food item a point value, and the combination of your age, gender and weight determines how many points you get per day; I’m allowed 26 points.  There seems to be a direct correlation between how yummy a food is and its point value – the tastier the food, the higher the points.  It’s no surprise that Brussels sprouts are 0 points, and birthday cake is 12 points.  TWELVE POINTS! Guess how much a fun-size candy bar is worth?  2 points.  Sounds harmless enough, right?  It would be if I were even remotely capable of stopping at just one or two.

Can you stop at just one?  For those of you that just said yes, I told you to stop reading this blog entry…. you thin people can’t fool me.

On a day like Halloween, my 26 points don’t seem to go very far.  All the coping skills Weight Watchers taught me vanishes the moment I hear those chocolaty sirens calling to me from inside my children’s trick-or-treat bags.  I can usually last the first few hours without caving into the temptation, but when night falls the rationalizations begin…

The candy is just going to go to waste if I don’t eat it.  How can I waste food when there are so many starving children in the world?  Maybe I should mail them the candy.  No, that won’t work, it would probably get all melty and gross by the time it got there.  Besides, if they’re too poor to buy food, what are the chances they have a good dental plan?  I don’t want to give starving kids cavities.  How irresponsible would THAT be?  I’ll donate to heifer.org and give them a cow instead.  Milk is better for teeth…. oooo, speaking of milk – that would go great with a couple of fun-size Snickers….”

The American Dental Association reports that 2 out of 3 dentists
recommend cows instead of candy bars.

Eating half a dozen candy bars becomes far less gluttonous when you think you’re selflessly ridding the world of tooth decay.  Of course, that same line of thinking will probably end up buying me a one-way ticket to Wilford Brimley town too – a sad place where nothing but the syringes and test strips are fun-size.

I’m thankful that this sugar-coated, willpower crushing holiday only comes once a year.  But even when the Halloween treats run out, I know there is another dietary hurdle looming close on the horizon – instead of chocolate, this one will be made of stuffing and apple pie…..

This is my Thanksgiving autobiography – originally, it was going to be entitled “Fuck the Turkey”
but the editor didn’t want people thinking the book was about turkey porn.

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36 thoughts on “Passed My Kid’s Lips and Straight to My Hips

  1. so, i will tell you the truth linda, i ate 6 “snack size” reese’s peanut butter cups while reading this!! and yes i do feel a bit more guilty about them……. but not enough to throw my excess halloween candy in the trash!! i usually buy something i don’t like, but no, this year i bought something i love!! what the heck was i thinking!!! you are just too funny! you need to start that book!!

    • LOL, I felt victim to a couple of peanut butter cups too…. and a handful of other assorted chocolate treats that I’ll be paying dearly for when I face the scale this Saturday at WW. In the beginning of the night, I had a solid strategy – any candy I ate, I put the wrapper in my jeans pocket so that I wouldn’t get snacker’s amnesia when it came time to tally up my points for the day. But instead of the wrappers being a visual deterrent, they just made me feel guilty when I saw the big wad of them come out of my pocket at the end of the night.

      I think next year I’m going to duct tape my mouth shut….

  2. Oh I can totally relate to this. Brilliant post! I’m a ‘can eat an extra tomato a day but still puts on weight person’s so definitely not one of those unnaturally thin ones! I lost 50lbs of weight watchers once and really need to get back to it it is sneaking back up on me… Anyway, fantastic post and look forward to the turkey porn *ahem*!! 🙂

    • WOW – 50lbs?! Good for you – that’s AMAZING!

      I lost 38lbs. four or five years ago, and when I reached “lifetime member” status, I got all cocky and stopped going to meetings. I gained it all back in a year or two. But I think I’ve got it this time – I’m down about 22lbs., and this time when I reach my goal weight again, I will continue to plant my ass in a WW seat once a week. As much as I hate to admit it, I need those meetings to hold me accountable – kind of like an alcoholic in AA. And I reason that one hour a week is a small price to pay for being able to fit into my skinny (relatively, speaking) jeans again 🙂

  3. HAHAHAHA! I laughed throughout this ENTIRE post!!! I loved it! I love all the innuendos…I love how you used the word “saboteurs”…I love your caption for the cow & kid…and I love turkey porn! Wait. That’s not what I meant. You know what I mean 😉

    • Loved your comment!! I rubbed it in my husband’s face – when he read the entry (before I published it), he said that it wasn’t one of my best and that I seemed to be getting “less funny” the past few weeks. Shows what HE knows 😀 I’ve decided that he is nowhere near my demographic, and is therefore demoted down from opinion giver to typo corrector.

  4. Great post. I too am always on weight watchers except for at the moment when I’m in denial. Luckily my children are too little for Halloween but I’m dreading Christmas – all those selection boxes to eat!!

    • I’m so surprised to find out how many WW members are out there! Makes me feel like I’m holding my own WW meeting online 🙂

      Halloween was so much easier when my kids were under the age of five and had no interest in chocolate – back then it was all about pretzel sticks and lollipops. Enjoy it while it lasts! 🙂

      Bring on the next hurdle!!

  5. AMEN, sister; I understand your plight!

    Weight Watchers is pretty much the only “diet” that works for me, too (I lost 40 pounds in the last year following it). HOWEVER! I do agree that it is hard. Those 40 pounds did not come easy – I skipped out on every office birthday celebration because I didn’t want to lose 12 points of my daily allotment. My colleagues thought I was nuts, but it worked! Luckily we ran out of candy last night and had to start handing out juice packs and granola bars (yep, we became the people handing out healthy snacks) so there’s no candy or chips in my house today, thank goodness. =)

    • 40lbs. in a year?! WOW – that’s awesome!! Good for you!

      Yeah, WW does make you look at food a lot differently – suddenly a slice of cake isn’t just a slice of cake, it’s half a day’s worth of points! Sometimes it’s worth it, but most of the time it’s not. I still indulge, but when I do, I no longer look like a contestant in a pie eating contest 🙂

      Keep up the great work!!

  6. I’m doing weight watchers too! Someone in our meeting (which was thankfully yesterday on Halloween) calculated the points for all the different chocolate bars. I think she thought she was being helpful but in the end I learned that O’Henrys do not count as a healthy option just because they have nuts.
    I totally bought my candy at 5:30 yesterday, though. I knew having it in the house before that would mean death, over indulging death. But, it also meant that I was paying full-price for candy that I know in 3 hours was all going to be price reduced. Oh, the things we do for thighs.

    • Another fellow Weight Watcher – we are out in full force!! Great idea going to your WW meeting on Halloween and buying your candy late. My husband bought our candy and didn’t tell me where he stashed it until the first trick-or-treater knocked on the door. I guess it helped a little, but I still ended up with a pocketful of empty candy wrappers at the end of the night. I was too scared to tally the points up. Guess I bought myself a few extra minutes on the treadmill this week…

      P.S. – Your “Oh, the things we do for thighs” comment cracked me up 😀

  7. I’m a weight watchers gal too – I can very much relate. And of course I worked with a woman who said things like “I forget to eat sometimes” – who forgets to EAT? I’m in danger of forgetting to STOP eating..but no matter how busy I am, I always remember it’s time to eat. Sigh…I’m also envious of people that lose weight without trying. That has NEVER happened to me…EVER….it’s a never ending battle from Halloween thru Easter…. 26 points is NOT ENOUGH for holidays.

  8. The Holidays are hard at times when trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I love when co-workers bring their kids candy into work because they do not want it in their house – same goes for work please! Have a Great One!

    • I’ve heard a lot of my friends gripe about co-workers that bring in all their junk food to work to “share” so that they don’t have it in their house to tempt them – it’s one of the few perks to being a stay-at-home mom that I don’t have to deal with that particular temptation. Of course, it’s easy to forget about that while I’m knee-deep in candy bars…

  9. Holy shit. If I go through my garbage can and count up the wrappers, I can pretty much guarantee that I’m already at about 174 points and it’s noon. NOON. I’ve eaten your point allowance for 2012 BEFORE NOON.
    I can blame pregnancy for this, yes???

  10. Pingback: Overindulgence « KandJColorado

  11. The evil Halloween candy finds its way to work by my colleagues. I think my colleagues are evil. but i figure hauling my ass to the end of to the end of the Haulmat a brisk pace earns me some points. Dosent it? Mornings when I’ve walked to work or seen my trainer earns me more sweets. I think typing counts as points too doesn’t it? So why are my pants getting tighter? 😃

    • I read about a simple explanation for why pants get tighter – these tiny creatures called “calories” live in our closets and sew our clothes a little bit tighter every night. We don’t need to stay away from the halloween candy, we need an exterminator 🙂

  12. I can proudly say I polished off an entire bag of fun-sized Nestle Crunch bars. I keep telling myself that since my husband and I are resuming running next week it will be okay. I had a little trashcan guilt over seeing all the wrappers but I just kept on going and threw a dirty diaper on top of them.

  13. There appears to be a lot of concern about candies on this date. Every yer, these concerns grow worse. So, next year, shut the lights off, pretend you are out, and write to the glow of your computer screen. Voia! No more candy!

  14. One of your best..if your husband didn’t think so it’s because he’s a guy..somethings they just don’t
    get. By the way, a cruise is even worse than Halloween!

    • Nice to see that someone in the family has good taste when it comes to humor 😀 I’ve heard about all the caloric dangers that lurk on cruise ships. Especially those five little words that can destroy anyone’s willpower – all you can eat buffet.

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