Sigh…. I Miss the Pole Dancing Days

No, not MY pole dancing days.  I’m a 40-year old woman with two herniated discs – if I attempted to pole dance, there’d have to be a chiropractor and a bottle of Vicodin on standby.  I’m talking about Miley Cyrus’ pole dancing days….

I miss this Miley -  the one who still enjoyed wearing pants.

I miss this Miley –
the one who still enjoyed wearing pants.

Honestly, when Miley decided to pole dance to her hit song “Party in the USA” at the Teen Choice Awards back in 2009 I wasn’t all that scandalized.  She took a 3-second dip on the pole, and suddenly everyone was treating her like she gave Mickey Mouse a blow job on stage.

I took it for what it was – a 16-year old trying to let the world know that she wasn’t a little girl anymore.  Personally, I think it would’ve been more disturbing if she were still trying to play Hannah Montana at the age of 25.

Given the over merchandizing and popularity of her hit Disney TV show, it was bound to be difficult for her to break free from the squeaky-clean Hannah Montana mold that she was kept in for four years.

Look - even LONGER pants!!

Look – even LONGER pants!!

Part of me was sad to see Hannah go because it meant that my daughter Meghan, who grew up right along side Miley, wasn’t a little girl anymore either.  Even though Meghan isn’t straddling any poles, it’s obvious that she’s no longer the excited 9-year old that dragged me to see the Hannah Montana: Best of Both Worlds concert back in 2008…. although that shrieking little girl makes an appearance every now and then when Justin Bieber is around.  (I’ve been dragged to that concert too.)

So would Meghan continue to idolize Miley during their transition into teenage/ young adulthood?  I got my answer the night of the MTV Video Music Awards a couple of nights ago when Miley put on this performance….

MTV Video Link

It was clear to me (and probably the rest of the world) that Miley was officially hammering the final nail into Hannah Montana’s coffin…. with her ass.  I had a bewildered look on my face as I stared at my TV screen while Miley shook her ass in front of everyone on stage like a feral cat in heat.  Meghan was kind enough to dispel my confusion by telling me that Miley was doing the latest dance move called “twerking”.  If you don’t have a teenager to keep you apprised of such important matters, I’ll give you the lowdown.  Imagine that you’re having sex with someone in a vertical position.  Now take away your partner so that it looks like you’re doing some kind of masturbatory rain dance.  That’s twerking.  And obviously Miley likes it…. A LOT.

I didn’t have too much of an issue with her “twerking” on TV – I lived through the 80’s and did stupid dances like the MC Hammer and the Cabbage Patch, so who was I to judge?  But the twerking along with the tiny nude bikini, her tongue perpetually hanging out of her mouth, and her semi-pornographic use of the foam fingers made me want to blindfold Meghan and protect what little innocence she had left since discovering the internet.

If Miley was strictly going for the shock factor, then I think she hit the mark….

I’ll never be able to look at foam fingers the same again…. ever.

I’ll never be able to look at foam fingers the same again…. ever.

Mickey Mouse’s skanky little sister, Twerky Mouse

Mickey Mouse’s skanky little sister, Twerky Mouse

Robin Thicke was dressed like a referee,  so why the hell didn’t he call a FOUL??

Robin Thicke was dressed like a referee,
so why the hell didn’t he call a FOUL??

She probably hit the g-spot of every dirty old man watching, but it honestly made me a little sad to see her exploiting herself like that.  I tried to look beyond the raunchy gyrations and porno-tongue to find the artistic element, but I couldn’t.  I only saw a 20-year old who was trying too hard to make the world see that she was no longer the Disney poster child.  Miley, believe me – we get it.  Now can you PLEASE put on some pants?

All the factors that people have come to expect from a good pop performance:  choreography, set design, costumes, and (of course) vocals, were all sorely lacking and nonsensical.  Miley was so busy trying to remember to stick her tongue out and hump everything on stage that she totally lost sight of actually performing.

But what do I know?  I’m a mom, and everyone knows that moms are lame by nature.  We make our kids wash their hands, brush their teeth and wear clothes out in public – what a bunch of killjoys.

I was curious to find out what Meghan’s thoughts were after Miley’s performance.  So, I tried to pick my chin up off the floor and save my opinions until I heard what she had to say.  Before I could ask, Meghan simply said “Oh Miley, no.  Just….. no.”  I could tell in that moment that my daughter’s idol had toppled (or twerked) her way off of the pedestal that Meghan had placed her on nearly seven years ago.  I don’t think the pedestal started wobbling that night – it began two years ago when Miley started to morph into a “party girl” that Meghan could no longer identify with.

You should know that Meghan doesn’t pledge or retract her allegiance sporadically.  Once she decides to bring someone into her little world, she’s fiercely loyal to them, often for years – it’s like the Meghan mafia.  You talk shit about her idols, and you might wake up to find your beloved pet’s severed head in bed beside you.  Which is why I think it was really hard for her to let Miley go.  All of her Miley memorabilia is still in her bedroom, but instead of decorating her walls, it sits in a corner of her closet – small remnants from her childhood that she can’t quite bring herself to throw away.

I wonder who her next idol will be…. I just hope it’s someone with a shorter tongue and longer pants.

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23 thoughts on “Sigh…. I Miss the Pole Dancing Days

  1. I only had boys and they didn’t tendto Iidolize celebs but having been a girl once myself – and totally in love with Paul McCartney – I can relate. So well-written and your daughter sounds like she’s one who can think for herself. My compliments on both! Excuse the expression, but re what’s going on with Miley – I think you’ve nailed it.

    • Patty –

      Thanks so much for the compliments! The writing I’ll take full credit for, but I’ll give Meghan the props for having a good head on her shoulders. She’s never been much of a follower – a quality that I hope continues to serve her well as she heads into high school this year.

      At least I know she won’t be jumping onto a stripper pole anytime soon 🙂

  2. Yes. I concur. I am glad Miley is trashy before Princess Red Chief is old enough to care who she is/was/may turn into. Dora and Kai-Lan are still the ‘it’ girls around here.

  3. Meghan sounds like she has critical viewing skills, something that many of us can use. Thanks for this even-handed, non-histrionic look at what too many people are debating. I say, let’s offer some alternatives: talent, artistry, real heart and soul.

    • YES – talent, artistry, heart and soul!! You nailed it. I can enjoy an “out there” performance if it has any of those elements that you listed. Lady Gaga can be pretty eccentric in most of her performances, but she’s also got the pipes to back it up. I may not love her music, but I can appreciate her talent. If you’re going to be a performer, then PERFORM and don’t just try to shock me.

  4. I like Meghan already. Luckily I have a 10 yr old boy – who once ran to me from school screeching “Quick! Put on a DEVO song, I have a Hannah Montana song stuck in my brain!” –

    As I don’t envision myself ever watching any music awards, I say let her twerk away – she’s on the Madonna-path…but it sounds like she’s apt to self destruct.

    • Denise –

      I do think boys are a little bit easier to deal with (in general) – the chances of you finding him up on stage shaking his ass in a nude bikini is probably pretty slim 🙂 My daughter and I don’t quibble over much, but I do feel like I’m always trying to put more clothes on her…. though I guess my fashion war with Meghan pales in comparison with the one Miley’s mom is waging.

      I don’t know if Miley is on Madonna’s path – I see her as following more in Britney Spears’ footsteps. I hope she manages to bypass the breakdown though.

  5. My daughter is too young to have developed an idol yet but I hope that this phase of crazy starlets (Miley, Lindsey, Amanda) is long gone when she does get there. You have to be the best role model for your child and keeping the dialogue open. Props to all the girls growing up who recognize crazy when they see it.

    • Sadly, I’m sure there will be new and improved crazies by the time your daughter is ready to jump into the pop culture fray. But you’re right, having open and honest conversations with your kid about all the craziness is key. I try to stay neutral and let her voice her opinions first – then if I’m lucky enough for her to agree with my line of thinking, I do a little happy dance in my head 🙂

  6. Thanks to the world of PVR (thank you TV Gods) I don’t have to watch new Miley. In our house, she is still the younger and less used up version of herself. When we get to the end of the series, our girls switch to a new show addiction. For the last two summers it has been teen wolf. Now those half-naked, 12 pack carrying, seduction soaked eyes of Derek’s are enough to turn me into well, a woman again instead of the mother of two adolescent girls. It is while watching these shows that I can appreciate having girls all over again because teen TV boys have teen TV dads. Enough said. Sigh. Eye candy for mommy? Why yes please. I’ll take two.

    • Hey Bels!!!

      Long time, no rant! I miss my Canadian pen pal. How’s life treating you up north? I know there was a lot of upheaval going on when last we spoke – I hope things have managed to level off a bit for you. If not, it sounds like there are hot TV dads to keep you warm…. or at least horny 🙂

      XO
      Linda

      • Don’t worry. I still love you and stalk you whenever I can. I realize that blogging and paying the rent are mutually exclusive. In other words, shit. So, I am busy getting writing gigs and hoping to keep the snow off my children’s heads during this upcoming shit storm some call a Canadian winter. Still can’t figure out why I wasn’t born with a trust fund in California. Why Miley and not me? Oh ya, I can’t pole dance. Nuff said. xxoxo

    • I agree. But such is the plight of the teenage girl – they never think they’re pretty enough the way they are so they are on a continuous quest to transform themselves. The irony is that 20-years from now, they will look back on the pictures of themselves as teenagers and wish that they still looked that good.

      As for fame, I don’t think any teenager who is thrown millions of dollars would be able to handle it appropriately. They are forced to grow up WAY too quickly and I think they miss a lot of crucial developmental years in the process. But at least when they hit their 20’s and 30’s they’ll have the money to pay for rehab and therapy 🙂

  7. Pingback: Friday Favorites | MAnaGIng mANiA

  8. Very well-written post. My daughter hasn’t gotten in to the Idolizing phase yet but I figure she’ll get there at some point. I have no idea how I’ll deal with it. Hmmm, probably along the lines of Mike Baxter from Last Man Standing. 🙂

    • Hey! Long time no see – I was wondering where you went. Glad to see you back in my comment section again 🙂

      As for raising a tween/teenage daughter, it’s definitely trying at times. Most of the time, I find that I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that she makes decisions that don’t make me want to lock her in a closet. I was beyond thrilled at my daughter’s reaction to Miley’s performance, but there have been other times when she’s made me cringe over her choices. It’s a day-to-day crap shoot. But since parents are the ones in charge, the house always wins 🙂

      Good luck and enjoy the pre-hormonal years!!

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