I had to get ready quickly because there was a lot on my to-do list for the day. I rushed to get the kids ready for school, so that I could hop into the shower and prepare myself for the second annual “Boobs & Beers” celebration. For the guys out there, I’m sorry to say that “Boobs & Beers” has nothing to do with strip clubs or drunken wet t-shirt contests. It’s a day when I get together with some of my girlfriends and we all go get our annual mammograms, and then spend the rest of the day/night drinking our faces off. As any woman over the age of 35 will tell you, getting a mammogram is kind of unpleasant. Breasts are meant to be adored and caressed – not squished between two cold metal plates. But I have found that going with my girlfriends helps to make the process a lot more fun, as does the promise of a few drinks afterwards.
I got in the shower, and was simultaneously wetting my hair down and daydreaming about cold pints of beer, when my shampoo bottle seized its opportunity to stage a coup. I guess it figured that it had taken just about enough of my manhandling, and finally decided to revolt against me. When I snapped the lid on the bottle closed, a HUGE glob of shampoo flew into my eye. Right. Into. My. Eye. There are military snipers with worse aim. Given the strategic and precisely executed shot, I can only assume that my shampoo had been secretly practicing this attack for months. Clearly, it had not only been hoping to blind me, but also to stymie my efforts of early breast cancer detection.
My eye was wide open and unguarded at the time of the attack, because who the hells thinks to wear protective eye gear in the shower? Although now that I know my shampoo is really the spawn of Satan, I will. I stood in the shower, paralyzed with pain and indecision. I had an hour before I had to leave the house, I was half-blind, and my right eye felt like it had caught fire. On the pain scale, I’d say it was somewhere between getting Tabasco sauce in a paper cut, and stepping on a Lego – made me wonder if glass shards were an active ingredient in Redken’s shampoo formula. For those who have never experienced this particular agony, here’s a nine second video demonstration of what it felt like….
I tried to stick my face directly into the shower stream, but that only seemed to aggravate the situation. In a last ditch effort to save my eyesight, I quickly grabbed a bottle of saline solution from off the bathroom sink, pried my eye open (despite its stubborn protests to remain clamped shut) and tried to flush it out. After emptying half the bottle’s contents into my eye socket, the pain level was brought from a 10 to an 8 – which would have to do because other than scooping out my eye with a melon-baller, I was out of ideas.
I finished up my shower, skipped shaving because with my lack of depth perception, I didn’t want to miss my leg and accidentally shave off a toe. When it came time to leave the house, I could open up my eye most of the way, and decided I could see well enough to drive to my mammogram appointment. Before you scold me for putting other driver’s lives at risk, you should know that even with my (slightly) impaired vision, I still drove better than most of the other New Yorkers on the road. Which, I guess, isn’t saying much.
But despite my early morning ocular ambush, everything worked out okay in the end. I made it to my appointment on time, enjoyed my day of girlie “Boobs & Beers” bonding, and as an added bonus, I don’t think my eye has ever had this much body, hold and shine……