I lost myself on a weird internet tangent while playing around on Facebook yesterday. I glanced over at the “trending” part of my home page and saw that actor Jeff Bridges had recently released an album designed to help people fall asleep (you might have seen his commercial about it during the Super Bowl). I thought to myself, “Hey, I like sleep and I like Jeff Bridges!” So I clicked on the link and checked it out.
I was expecting him to guide me through some gentle meditation exercise or perhaps play some soft music mixed with the sounds of nature. It wasn’t like that. AT ALL. To me, it felt like somebody killed the real Jeff Bridges, buried him in Stephen King’s pet cemetery, and he was resurrected into some weird, creepy version of himself. Then that zombie made the executive decision to scare the crap out of people with insomnia. I listened to the tape with my ten-year old son, and after the first few tracks he looked at me and said, “Worst. Lullaby. Ever.”
I guess I should have been forewarned about the creepy nature of the tape by one of the pictures Jeff Bridges used to promote it. He looks like he wants to eat my liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti…..
But if Mr. Lecter didn’t make you feel all snug and ready to sleep, you could scroll your way passed that and go directly to the other image on the album that he thought might lull you. The caption he put on the opposite page of this picture is “Sweet dreams, friend”. Yeah, not bloody likely…..
I’ll spare you the hour it takes to listen to the whole tape (and the resulting night terrors), and highlight my favorite parts for you. You NEED to hear these tracks. Seriously. I can’t be the only one in the world who’s stuck with this weird stuff echoing around inside my brain. After you click on the link below and scroll down to the album, I encourage you to read my brief synopsis of each track before you listen to it.
And now friends, you are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound, but also of some really messed up shit. Welcome to Jeff Bridges’ sleep tape twilight zone: Sleep Tape Link
INTRODUCTION (GOOD EVENING): I can only assume that some major drugs were smoked, injected, or snorted off a hooker’s ass before making the introduction to this tape. Jeff talks about all the deep and profound implications behind words like “sleep” “sharing” and “tapes”. I guess he was just covering his bases in case his audience didn’t happen to have the vocabulary of a five-year old.
SLEEP, DREAM, WAKE UP: If Edgar Allan Poe were to ever collaborate on a sleep tape, this track would be the resulting byproduct. Apparently, Jeff and Edgar want to destroy any hope you may have of ever getting another good night’s sleep.
HUMMMMMM: This track is exactly what it sounds like – he hums for you. Except this is not the Marvin Gaye, deep, melodic sort of hum. This is the guy on the subway wearing headphones, humming along to his iPod, and not realizing that he’s annoying the crap out of everyone else around him sort of hum.
SEE YOU AT THE DREAMING TREE: This track sounds like he recorded it at a playground. There’s a lot of chaotic background noise of kids playing and jabbering on. Jeff, I’m not sure you’re aware of this, but most parents barely tolerate the sounds of their own children, much less other people’s. I can think of nothing less soothing to fall asleep to…. except maybe your humming.
IKEA: On this track Jeff talks about death and the bizarre things he wants to have happen to his remains after he’s gone. By putting this information on a sleep tape, I can only assume that his mother was Morticia Addams and had some really fucked up notions about what constituted pre-bedtime chit chat.
FEELING GOOD: His heart was in the right place with this track. He simply wanted to list all the things about you that make you the wonderful person that you are. So he goes on to talk about your awesome ability to predict when the light is going to turn green, how well you order food at a restaurant, and how much the night janitors at your workplace love your clean desk. Ummm, thanks? But you could’ve just told me what pretty eyes I have.
After that peculiar peek into Jeff Bridges’ brain, I feel compelled to try and make up for dragging you along on that weird expedition by showing you a hysterical version of this sleep tape that was put out by a video blogger named VlogRay. Laugh well, Friend…..