When Did Prince Charming Get So Twisted?

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a prince.  Even in his infancy the King and Queen recognized their son’s appeal, so they decided to name him Prince Charming.  As the prince grew up, his royal parents breathed a sigh of relief because they knew he would live up to his name.  They later admitted, “We took a bit of a chance.  Thank God he turned out the way he did.  It would have been pretty embarrassing to have an ugly, socially awkward son named Prince Charming.”

When the prince wasn’t making royal appearances at balls or waving to peasants from atop his white horse, he enjoyed acting in local plays.   He had managed to get some bit parts with the Brothers Grimm, but didn’t rise to true stardom until Walt Disney discovered him in 1937 and cast him in their classic movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  Even though he was only referred to as “the prince” in the credits, he was still pretty psyched to star in his first feature film.  He had girls of all ages, and even a few of their mothers, swooning over him and singing, “Someday my prince will come…”

“I’m here to save you from the little men who treat you like a slave.”
“My hero… wait, are you wearing lipstick?”

Thirteen years later (though amazingly enough, he looked like hadn’t aged at all), Walt Disney finally gave Prince Charming the credit he deserved in the movie Cinderella.  He friends could no longer tease him about being cast as the generic prince because his name was right there in black and white.  After that, he was a household name and the source of many women’s fantasies.  Female peasants mobbed him every time he left the castle, and he was getting more princess ass than he knew what to do with.

I wonder if she’ll let me take off more than her glass slipper after the ball….

But all good things, no matter how charming, must come to an end.  Right around the time women were (symbolically) burning their bras and Aretha Franklin was demanding respect, Prince Charming died.  But his legacy lived on.  His genetic lineage is a bit hard to trace – probably because he spent several decades sowing his wild oats in a lot of royal (and occasionally, not so royal) beds.  But in 2005, after years of exhaustive research, a genealogist managed to track down one of his modern day heirs.  You might have heard of him – his name is Edward Cullen.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it…

Though far more sulky and sparkly than his royal ancestor, he still manages to score big with the ladies.  It seems women love him despite his overly protective, often controlling behavior, and his prudish, old-fashioned ideals in the bedroom.  They don’t even seem to mind the fact that he’s about as cuddly as Michelangelo’s David.  I’m guessing his appeal has something to do with his brute strength, and his enormous bankroll (no, that’s not a euphemism for his penis… the guy really is stinkin’ rich.)

Edward not only sweeps girls off their feet, he also carries them high into treetops and races with them through dense forests.  Holy crap, you should see him run – Usain Bolt has got nothin’ on this guy!  And much like his charming predecessor, he’s got the saving damsels in distress gig down pat.  He’s definitely the guy you want to have around if you ever find yourself surrounded by a pack of drunken townies in a dark alley.  Although girls should be warned that he has a bit of a temper (especially around gorgeous werewolves), and occasionally gets the maddening urge to drink your blood.  But other than that, he’s usually the picture of chivalry and self-restraint.

Then in 2012, the same genealogist that discovered Edward’s lineage also found another member of Prince Charming’s family.  This heir was far harder to track down because he was given up for adoption as a small child – and you know how hard it can be to cut through all that legal red tape and unseal court documents.  But somehow, (probably through the magic of ancestry.com), Christian Grey was discovered.

Though Christian was proud to find out about his heritage and carry on the family tradition of making horny women swoon, he knew there was also a high price to pay.  Christian heard about how difficult it was for his cousin Edward to leave the house without having screaming women throw themselves at his feet, so he decided to maintain his anonymity for as long as possible.  With the help of his throng of bodyguards and his ability to fly off in his private jet on a moment’s notice, he has managed to elude the paparazzi thus far.  But even though he hasn’t been caught on film yet, there is a lot of speculation about what he might look like.  Here are some of the possibilities being talked about around the office water cooler:

                         

All smokin’ hot prospects, if you ask me.

Even though Christian Grey is reluctant to show his face, he was more than willing to pour his heart out to writer and author, E.L. James, who subsequently wrote his biography entitled Fifty Shades of Grey.  Given Christian’s laundry list of complexities, E.L. wasn’t able to capture his whole life story in just one book, so she wrote a trilogy – all of which landed on the New York Time’s bestseller list.  Apparently, when it comes to brooding, broken-down, billionaires the world just can’t seem to get enough.

Fifty Shades of Grey SNL Skit – HYSTERICAL!

While Christian seems to have inherited his family’s stunningly good looks, massive fortune, and (of course) winning charm, this contemporary Prince Charming is not without his faults.  Before you jump on the Grey bandwagon ladies, there are a few things you should know about him.  Here are just five of his fifty shades….

1.  You can run, but you can’t hide.  No really, you can’t.  If he wants to find you, he will.  Privacy and stalker laws be damned, he will hunt you down.  He knows people.

2.  You’re not allowed to touch him.  EVER.  You can tousle his hair a bit, but if you lay one wandering finger on him, he will have you physically restrained before you can say the words control freak.

3.  You don’t want him to buy you ridiculously expensive gifts?  Tough shit, he’s gonna do it anyway.  He’ll send you so many packages, you’ll think he’s got the UPS guy on his payroll.

4.  He has major food issues.  He’s like a Jewish mother and Italian grandmother all rolled into one.  When you sit down for a meal with him, he doesn’t care that you might not feel hungry – YOU.  WILL.  EAT.  If you don’t eat of your own accord, he will nag you incessantly until you do.

5.  He’s got a “red room of pain” in his house.  And among his many implements of torture, is an entire drawer dedicated solely to butt plugs.  Yep, you heard me – butt plugs.  I’ll just let that one sink in for a while….

The Prince Charming clan certainly has come a long way, haven’t they?  The men of that family have gone from sweeping girls off their feet to strapping them down in their bondage playroom.   But Christian’s semi-sadistic tendencies haven’t deterred his faithful followers at all.  If anything, his threats of corporal punishment have caused orgasmic explosions to go off like fireworks on the Fourth of July!

From the twenty-somethings right on up to the senior set, there are panties catching fire all over the world.  So what is it about these men that make even the most independent, liberated women go weak at the knees?  Inquiring minds want to know….

Caution: Reading Fifty Shades of Grey may cause swooning….
do not read while in a standing position.

32 thoughts on “When Did Prince Charming Get So Twisted?

  1. I am telling you, my friends are in heat over “Fifty Shades of Grey.” I had to write that post today about it and the joke between us that I cannot download it and I am NOT borrowing it, (I keep telling them it will be sticky.) ha ha ha!

    • There are some northerners who are pretty heated up too! And while I read all the books, I didn’t get as swept up in the Fifty Shades phenomenon as most of my friends did. I just couldn’t get passed how totally screwed up he was. When I fantasize about a guy, I don’t want his psychiatrist entering into the picture ;)

  2. While I suppose Prince Charming is pretty handsome for a cartoon, I never really liked him. This post explains why! I haven’t read Fifty Shades but I don’t have any desire to.

    • Unless you have a penchant for BDSM (which apparently half the world does judging by the success of this trilogy), I’d say skip it.

      I was really looking forward to reading the books because I had a lot of friends who gave them such an enthusiastic endorsement, but the story fell kind of flat for me. Christian Grey is just too much of a head case to provide me with good fodder for fantasies.

    • Yeah, butt plugs, crops, restraints, blindfolds, etc. Fun stuff. Couple all of that with the head case I described above, plus technicolored orgasms, and that pretty much sums up the book. If you don’t have any interest in exploring the non-vanilla sex world, then skip it. But if you do, then it’s a safe way to test the waters without the possibility of getting your ass paddled :)

    • Thanks so much – glad you enjoyed it! As far as the Fifty Shades books are concerned, like I told Maggie, I wouldn’t suggest anyone read them that wasn’t interested in exploring the BDSM world from a safe distance. The writing was really weak, and the plot was predictable. If not for the hot sex scenes (which even got a bit tedious by book two), I think these books would have flopped.

  3. It’s just what life is about. Women go weak in the knees, and so do men. The problem is that it just doesn’t always stay that way when you are a couple! Thanks for the fun post . . . you brought up what’s been going on since the beginning of time.

    • Les – Yeah, I’d like to see the main characters, Christian and Anastasia, twenty years from now when they’ve got a few kids and a few grey hairs…. I’m betting THAT book wouldn’t be on the NY Times best seller list ;)

  4. Hi Linda! I just HAD to tell you this (and it has nothing to do with Prince Charming, I’m afraid!)… I went shopping this evening; just the basics, and was tired and cranky after an exhausting day at work (I work with disabled children), and THEN, THERE WAS … a DVD called “Paul the Alien”. Sound familiar???!!! I grabbed it, threw it into my shopping cart, threw a bottle of wine on top of it and thought: tonight I’m going to have a ball. Screw it all!!!!!!!
    “See” you soon! Love, Miriam

    • Miriam – I’ve missed you! You kind of fell off the blog grid for awhile :)

      You have no idea how much it amuses me to find out that someone from another country bought the movie “Paul” because of something I wrote – that cracks me up! So what did you think of it? I hope the bottle of wine and the movie helped you unwind from your stressful day.

      If you’re looking for another funny movie recommendation (which you might not be if you thought Paul sucked), go rent Bridesmaids. I seriously never laughed that hard at a movie in my life! Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig were AMAZING in it!

  5. In a Play I saw a while back – “Into the forest” I think it was – Prince Charming was caught being unfaithful to Cinderella.

    “Hey”, he said . . . “I’m CHARMING – not FAITHFUL!”

    ooowweeee – what a letdown . . . .

    • Dad – That was hysterical! I love that quote. I’m my imagination I had Prince Charming pegged as a total philanderer – how could you not be when all those princesses are swooning all over you? :)

  6. Of the three pictures you have selected, I believe the middle and right have the brooding look that a person like Christian would possess. I think I like the one on the left the best though. He’s cute. I might allow one light playful spank from him, providing he doesn’t force me to eat.

    • I’m sure whatever guy they cast as Christian Grey will be ridiculously hot – with the way the character is written, it’s guaranteed that he will look like he should be gracing the cover of GQ magazine. I just hope I find the movie character less annoying then the literary version. The nagging, overbearing, controlling thing was just too much to take.

  7. Hey, Linda! Sorry for falling off the grid :); I’ve been quite wrapped up in my work and hardly had time to write anything for my own blog… but nice to be missed!! I had a whale of a time with Paul, I can tell you. Especially since the movie wasn’t as dumb as it could have been, considering the subject matter … I really liked the quirky characters, especially the girl. I really cracked myself up when that agent guy, the one who turns out to be friend, not foe, reports to his boss about his “colleagues” and says, “one crashed and burned, and the other just…burned”.
    Thanks for the recommendation – I’ll follow it up! And I have one of my own, if you haven’t already seen it: “Nothing to lose” with Tim Robbins and Martin Lawrence. Almost 10 years old, and I can still die laughing watching it. Pleeeaaaaase promise to watch it sometime? And the best thing is: you can safely watch it with your kids, now that they’ve seen Paul! Ok, there is a teeny tiny peek-through.the door bedroom scene right at the beginning, but it’s basically harmless. I THINK. And please watch out for the scene with the spider. Yes, the scene with the spider and the Scatman-track. You’ll know right away. I swear I have never been so close to having an epileptic fit of uncontrollable laughter in a cinema. It is so cool. You will press the rewind button a dozen times, just as we did, just to watch that one scene over and over.
    If you have a bad day … just watch it.
    Love Miriam

    • Miriam –

      Glad you and “Paul” had fun :) I will put “Nothing to Lose” on my must-see movie list. I love to watch movies that have the ability to make you laugh so hard you make a scene in the movie theater – Bridesmaids did the same thing for me. The scene when the girls go shopping for bridesmaid dresses left me gasping for breath. But I wasn’t alone – the entire theater lost it. I don’t think anyone heard any of the dialog in the movie for the next minute because everyone was a laughing too hard.

      This movie review thing we have going on is fun!

  8. I just gave you a rambling earful (eyeful?) on my blog, LOL, but I wanted to come back and say that this is an excellent post! I will unabashedly admit to all of my guilty pleasure reading, up to and including the Twilight saga which I loved, but I definitely know what you’re saying about the overbearing man. I’m actually not attracted to Edward other than for the way he loves Bella. I mean really. He has NO sense of humor.

    I do see a certain quiet power in Bella and Ana, so I’m not convinced they’re really being controlled. Then again, I also talk to stuffed animals.
    ;)

  9. Jules – Thanks for checking it out!

    I do agree that the level of love and attention paid to Bella and Ana is a bit intoxicating. I got more swept up in the Twilight story than I did with Fifty Shades. Christian was just TOO much of a head case for my taste. The five “shades” I listed in my blog entry were the biggest offenders – they made me want to reach into the pages of the book and slap him. I can see the fun and excitement of wanting to be controlled in the bedroom, but when that behavior continues outside of “playtime” then all bets are OFF for me.

    And while Ana did exert herself a handful of times in the book, she caved into his bizarre behavior just as much – in the last book in particular. I don’t know if you’ve gotten that far, so I don’t want to spoil it for you. When you do finish the series, I’d love to know what you thought of it.

  10. hahahahahaha..you mocked both twilight and 50 shades of grey all on 1 post? awesome! lol…i figure these days women prefer bad boys…who look kind of nice..though sir cullen is way too pale and shiny for my liking…

  11. Guilty pleasure… read all three books. Still swooning over Christian Grey. If they don’t find someone devastatingly handsome to play him in the movie, I will just die. How are they ever going to put that movie in the theaters, by the way?

    • I have no idea how they’ll be able to make a movie out of those books without slapping a big, fat XXX rating on it.

      And even though there was a lot about the Christian Grey character that I didn’t like, I know I’ll end up seeing whatever movies they put out there, just like I did with the Twilight movies. I have a bunch of girlfriends who I get together with for movies like that – we get to giggle and swoon over all of the chiseled abs and cheesy love stuff. But afterwards I feel dirty, like I had a torrid one-night stand. ;)

  12. love this, and all your posts! I have been cracking up since 5:45 (the awesome time i wake up at to get a minutes before my boys decide to). Thank you! I agree with 50 shades of grey. In addition to the oppressive Christian, I couldn’t stand it because of Anastasia too! She drove me nuts! “Oh I have no idea how pretty I am! I never work out. Ever. And I am still soooo thin.” whatever. All the ladies, from princess to Dracula’s girl to Anastasia were not role models I appreciate. They just have no backbone.

    • I made you laugh at 5:45am? I’ve never been able to muster more than a grunt or grumble at that hour. I’ll consider that a blogging WIN!! Whoo-hoo!!

      I agree whole-heartedly about your assessment of all the lame-o leading ladies being created by writers these days. Give me Jane Eyre ANYDAY! Was that too pretentious?

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