When Did Prince Charming Get So Twisted?

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a prince.  Even in his infancy the King and Queen recognized their son’s appeal, so they decided to take a bit of a gamble and name him Prince Charming.  After their son had managed to sidestep the gawky teenage stage and grow more handsome and charismatic with each passing year, his royal parents breathed a sigh of relief – it seemed they were going to be spared the embarrassment of having an ugly, socially awkward son named Prince Charming.

When the prince wasn’t making royal appearances at balls or waving to peasants from atop his white horse, he enjoyed acting in local plays.   He managed to get some bit parts with the Brothers Grimm, but didn’t rise to true stardom until Walt Disney discovered him in 1937 and cast him in their classic movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  Even though he was only referred to as “the prince” in the credits, he was still pretty psyched to star in his first feature film.  He had girls of all ages, and even a few of their mothers, swooning over him and singing, “Someday my prince will come…”

“I’m here to save you from the little men who treat you like a slave.”
“My hero!! Wait….are you wearing lipstick?”

Thirteen years later (though amazingly enough, he looked like hadn’t aged at all), Walt Disney finally gave Prince Charming the credit he deserved in the movie Cinderella.  He friends could no longer tease him about being cast as the generic prince because his name was right there in black and white.  After that, he was a household name and the source of many women’s fantasies.  Female peasants mobbed him every time he left the castle, and he was getting more princess ass than he knew what to do with.

I wonder if she’ll let me take off more than her glass slipper after the ball….

But all good things, no matter how charming, must come to an end.  Right around the time women were (symbolically) burning their bras and Aretha Franklin was demanding respect, Prince Charming died of a venereal disease.  But his legacy lived on.  His genetic lineage is a bit hard to trace – probably because he spent several decades sowing his wild oats in a lot of royal (and occasionally, not so royal) beds.  But in 2005, after years of exhaustive research, a genealogist managed to track down one of his modern day heirs.  You might have heard of him – his name is Edward Cullen.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it…

Though far more sulky and sparkly than his royal ancestor, he still manages to score big with the ladies.  It seems women love him despite his overly protective, often controlling behavior, and his prudish, old-fashioned ideals in the bedroom.  They don’t even seem to mind the fact that he’s about as cuddly as Michelangelo’s David.  I’m guessing his appeal has something to do with his brute strength, and his enormous bankroll (no, that’s not a euphemism for his penis… the guy really is stinkin’ rich.)

Edward not only sweeps girls off their feet, he also carries them high into treetops and races with them through dense forests.  Holy crap, you should see him run – Usain Bolt has got nothin’ on this guy!  And much like his charming predecessor, he’s got the saving damsels in distress gig down pat.  He’s definitely the guy you want to have around if you ever find yourself surrounded by a pack of drunken townies in a dark alley.  Although girls should be warned that he has a bit of a temper (especially around gorgeous werewolves), and occasionally gets the maddening urge to drink your blood.  But other than that, he’s usually the picture of chivalry and self-restraint.

Then in 2011, the same genealogist that discovered Edward’s lineage also found another member of Prince Charming’s family.  This heir was far harder to track down because he was given up for adoption as a small child – and you know how hard it can be to cut through all that legal red tape and unseal court documents.  But somehow, (probably through the magic of ancestry.com), Christian Grey was discovered.

Though Christian was proud to find out about his heritage and carry on the family tradition of making horny women swoon, he knew there was also a high price to pay.  Christian heard about how difficult it was for his cousin Edward to leave the house without screaming women throwing themselves at his feet, so he decided to maintain his anonymity for as long as possible.

His throng of bodyguards and ability to fly off in his private jet on a moment’s notice helped him stay out of the paparazzi’s spotlight for the last four years.  But all of that changed with the release of his new movie entitled Fifty Shades of Grey.  When asked why Christian picked Valentine’s Day as his film’s release date, his lips quirked up into smile as if he was enjoying an inside joke, but he offered no verbal explanation.  Personally, I think it’s his way of showing men all over the world who’s REALLY in control of their girlfriend/wife’s lady bits on the most romantic day of the year.  Dominant. As. Hell.

For those that want a sneek peek of what you might see on the silver screen, here’s Christian in various states of brooding hotness…..

 

  

 

Even though Christian was initially reluctant to show his face back in 2011, it seems he was more than willing to pour his heart out to writer and author, E.L. James, who subsequently wrote the biography that the film is based on.  Given Christian’s laundry list of complexities, E.L. wasn’t able to capture his whole life story in just one book, so she wrote a trilogy – all of which landed on the New York Time’s bestseller list.  Apparently, when it comes to brooding, broken-down, billionaires the world just can’t seem to get enough.

While Christian seems to have inherited his family’s stunningly good looks, massive fortune, and (of course) winning charm, this contemporary Prince Charming is not without his faults.  Before you jump on the Grey bandwagon ladies, there are a few things you should know about him.  Here are just five of his fifty shades….

1.  You can run, but you can’t hide.  No really, you can’t.  If he wants to find you, he will.  Privacy and stalker laws be damned, he will hunt you down.  He knows people.

2.  You’re not allowed to touch him.  EVER.  You can tousle his hair a bit, but if you lay one wandering finger on him, he will have you physically restrained before you can say the words control freak.

3.  You don’t want him to buy you ridiculously expensive gifts?  Tough shit, he’s gonna do it anyway.  He’ll send you so many packages, you’ll think he’s got the UPS guy on his payroll.

4.  He has major food issues.  He’s like a Jewish mother and Italian grandmother all rolled into one.  When you sit down for a meal with him, he doesn’t care that you might not feel hungry – YOU.  WILL.  EAT.  If you don’t eat of your own accord, he will nag you incessantly until you do.

5.  He’s got a “red room of pain” in his house.  And among his many implements of torture, is an entire drawer dedicated solely to butt plugs.  Yep, you heard me – butt plugs.  I’ll just let that one sink in for a while….

The Prince Charming clan certainly has come a long way, haven’t they?  The men of that family have gone from sweeping girls off their feet to strapping them down in their bondage playroom.   But Christian’s semi-sadistic tendencies haven’t deterred his faithful followers at all.  If anything, his threats of corporal punishment have caused orgasmic explosions to go off like fireworks on the Fourth of July!

From the twenty-somethings right on up to the senior set, there are panties catching fire all over the world.  So what is it about these men that make even the most independent, liberated women go weak at the knees?  Inquiring minds want to know….

Caution: Reading Fifty Shades of Grey may cause swooning….
do not read while in a standing position.