5 Side Effects of Living With a Belieber

Even if you’re not a girl under the age of sixteen (or the parent of one), chances are you’ve at least heard of the pop singer, Justin Bieber.  In the last three years, he has gone from an anonymous Canadian teenager to a globally recognized superstar.  At the mall, it’s hard to walk ten feet without seeing his face on a piece of merchandise – even on coffee mugs, which makes no sense to me.  Since when do twelve-year olds drink coffee?  I suppose they could be for adults… but that’s a thought too horrifying to contemplate.

When caffeine isn't enough to get your heart racing.

There are dozens, if not hundreds, of websites dedicated to the adoration and idolization of this eighteen-year old boy.  Over zealous Bieber fans, dubbed “Beliebers”, can’t seem to get enough of him.  I know, because my thirteen-year old daughter, Meghan, is one of them.

If DaVinci had Justin Bieber to look at, the Mona Lisa never would have been painted.

Those that have a Belieber residing under their roof know what a test of patience it can be.  For those of you that don’t (lucky bastards), I’ll give you a glimpse into my hormonally charged world.  Here are the side effects of living with a Belieber:

1.  Barnes & Noble induced bankruptcy:  

Meghan knows no limits when it comes to books on the subject of Justin Bieber.  Even though the kid is barely old enough to vote, he has already written an autobiography entitled First Step 2 Forever.  There have also been dozens of books written about Justin by other authors.  That’s right, I said dozens – and Meghan wants them all.  That doesn’t mean she gets them all…. at least not until she gets a job to help support her Bieber habit.

Can you say adorably redundant?

And if the books aren’t enough to satisfy your Belieber’s obsession, there are also magazines.  Do you know how many teen magazines are out there?  Thankfully, not as many as there are Bieber biography books, but certainly more than there were when I was a teenager.   And most of the magazines have Justin somewhere between the pages, which means more pictures and posters for Meghan to add to her bedroom walls.  Her room is a veritable Bieber shrine…. all Beliebers that come to worship must leave their purple sneakers at the door.

Move along.... nothing obsessive to see here.

2.  The shrieking….oh God, the SHRIEEEEKING!!:  

I am constantly assaulted by ear-piercing shrieks at the mere mention of Justin’s name.  Every commercial, TV appearance, or music video with that kid in it causes Meghan to emit a sound that just misses the frequency of a dog whistle…. which is unfortunate for me because that means I can hear it.  If I need hearing aids before I’m fifty, I’m suing Justin Bieber for damages.

That clip was just thirty seconds…. try listening to that for THREE YEARS.

Meghan and I were driving in the car recently, and all of the sudden she let out a shriek that made me think I was about to run my car into a parade of babies and kittens.  I frantically looked around to find the cause of her apparent panic attack, nearly running my car off the road in the process, but saw nothing.

“WHAT?  What is it?!”  I asked, with my heart galloping in my chest.

“Justin Bieber’s new song is on the radio!!!”  she exclaimed while bouncing up and down in the seat beside me.

Have you ever seen that show 1,000 Ways to Die?  I bet the makers of that show never considered death by Top 40 hit song.

3.  Your nose can run, but it can’t hide:  

Given Meghan’s voracious appetite for Bieber merchandise, when he came out with his perfume, Someday, I knew she would want it.  I also knew that it would offend my Chanel No. 5 sensibilities – I was right.  The sweet concoction wafts through the house, and seems to find my nose no matter how far away I am from where it was sprayed.  And when it does inevitably find me, a migraine usually isn’t far behind.

Someday.... sounds like a threat.

 4.  Play it again, Sam.  And again…. and again…. and again…. 

Meghan doesn’t seem to ever tire of listening to Justin’s music.  EVER.  His lyrics and music have been pounded into my brain with repetition so relentless, it borders on torture.  You need to get a confession out of me?  Play Justin Bieber’s song, Baby, a couple dozen times, and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.  I get down on my hands and knees and thank the inventor of the iPod everyday because without it (and the accompanying headphones), I would surely have found my way into a straight jacket and a padded cell by now.

Dancing to the beat of her own Bieber.

5.  The countdown – it’s like Dick Clark on amphetamines:

The countdown begins when Meghan finds out that Justin Bieber is coming out with a new single, album, or video.  I thought it was unbearable when she had to wait two weeks for his single, Boyfriend, to come out, but now she has to wait almost two months for the release of his next album, Believe.  Thanks a HEAP for announcing that one so early, Justin.  Every day that ticks slowly passed, I know I will hear her excitedly announce, “only __ more days until the new Justin Bieber album comes out!!!!”  And more than likely, that announcement will be punctuated by a shriek that makes my ears bleed.

A visual aid to remind me when the next round of auditory torture will begin.

I guess there are worse fates for a parent to suffer, and certainly worse boys for my daughter to idolize.  Despite Justin’s amazingly rapid rise to fame, he seems to be well grounded and good-natured.  He visits sick kids in the hospital, puts on concerts at impoverished schools, and lends his voice and support to a lot of charities – namely the “Children’s Miracle Network”, the “It Gets Better Project”, and the upcoming movie “Bully”.  He’s like the teenage boy version of Mother Theresa.

Maybe his extraordinary empathy for the poor, sick, and tormented children of the world is a byproduct of his own humble beginnings…. or maybe when you have more money than god, you just enjoy throwing it around a little.  Whatever the reason, I hope Justin Bieber stays as sweet as his headache producing perfume.

If she blushes this much over a cardboard cut-out,
meeting him in person would surely lead to spontaneous combustion.


28 thoughts on “5 Side Effects of Living With a Belieber

  1. That was such an entertaining post – thanks!! I remember in my teens being crazy about Jason Donovan and Kylie Monogue, who were soooo popular in London, not sure about the States! I must have saved all my pocket money to buy all their magazines, books etc etc… 🙂

    • Thanks for the response! I’m not sure who Jason Donovan is, but I know Kylie Monogue (I like some of her stuff). In my teen years, I was obsessed with some hollywood actors, but never had a rock/pop star that sent me head over heels. Oddly enough, the only singer I fell in love with was a balding, scarecrow of a man, nearly thirty years my senior – James Taylor. Go figure 🙂

      • Well you know who I liked in my teen yrs, I too am a huge fan of James Taylor and saw him a couple of yrs back in Long Island at a small concert of his there, he is great! As you can tell, my taste got better! :))

    • I don’t think that there was an obsession in history quite like Beatlemania. That must have been a lot of fun to have experienced. God bless your mom for dealing with all the raging hormones flying around back then! 🙂

  2. Omg! I was reading this at my doctors office and couldn’t stop laughing so hard. Your visuals mad it even better. I do not have a belieber but I’m sure it would be just as horrifying as yours. Thanks for the laugh

    • I love getting responses like yours – knowing that I made someone laugh like that, makes my day 🙂 This blog practically wrote itself. All the visuals came first, and then the commentary afterwards. My daughter was such a good sport about the whole thing – she thinks this was my best blog ever (no surprise there)!

  3. This is hilarious! And one more reason I’m thankful my mother didn’t have a blog when New Kids on the Block were big. (Oh, and MMMBop is still a good song.)

    • LOL, thankfully NKOTB was just slightly after my time. I’m sure my raging teenage hormones and my mother are grateful to have missed out on that particular craze.

      P.S. – My kids look at me like I’m on drugs when I rock out to MMMBop 🙂

  4. Totally TOTALLY hear you! My mother in law bought my girls every Justin Bieber product she coud find. Have you really looked at the perfume bottle? The top is a labia. Not kidding. And if one more girls shrieks in my car when I’m driving, I’m going to punch somebody!!!

    Love this!!!

    • Maggie – LOL!!! I’m sending you my dry cleaning bill… I nearly wet my pants with this line: “Have you really looked at the perfume bottle? The top is a labia. Not kidding.”

      High-pitched girl shrieks could be tapped and used as torture devices – the sound goes right through you and finds every irritable nerve along the way. I told my daughter that if she ever did that to me in the car again, I would make her ride in the trunk.

  5. when i first heard his song baby… my brother asked me who do u thing sung it boy or girl? n THE ANSWER WAS GIRL i swear i hate him so much from then n my stupid neighbor cant stop playing his songs loud

    • Thanks for responding – but I’m hoping like hell my daughter doesn’t catch wind of this. You’ve never seen blind rage until you insult Justin Bieber in front of a Belieber 😉

  6. Though I’m not a parent (at 16, thank God!) I cannot fathom the horror of being subjected to the Belieber lifestyle! I’m sure there will be some therapy courses available soon!

  7. I loved this! My sister was a huge Belieber but when 1Direction came along Justin got pushed to the back ground. Great blog, I have four little sisters so I know exactly where you are coming from. When Justin was first a name in our household we couldn’t talk when his song was on because we owuld be interrupting his speeches :/ Ive linked up my blog about 1D and how they’re the new Hanson, let me know what you think 🙂 http://ringlesswife.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/april-24-1d-my-sisters-version-of-hanson/

  8. Kloi-Jayd,

    I’m SO sorry it took this long to respond to your comment – you kind of slipped through the blog cracks! 🙂

    Thanks for passing along your blog link. The Hanson stuff was a real blast from the past! And like your sister, my daughter is into One Direction as well – not nearly as much as her precious Justin, but I can see that it’s a shriek-causing obsession waiting to happen.

    P.S. – It’s INSANE that you have to buy concert tickets so far in advance! It’s hell to hear a month-long countdown every time Justin puts out a new song or album, I can’t even imagine what waiting a YEAR to see a concert would be like.

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  11. We are waiting 14 months for her to see 1D
    Lucky she likes their new music!
    yes she is still a Belieber too 🙂
    (‘I would rather my teenage daughter be obsessed with 1D & JB than Marilyn Manson’ is my motto)

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